people in high places are in on the killtaker

they're bigger if you click on them

2008-08-25T22:11:00.002-06:00

2007-07-04T14:37:00.000-06:00

After spending the past two hours reading the blogs of strangers:

2007-06-13T21:49:00.000-06:00

Every person who is not a total idiot hates it when people mess up your/you're, their/there/they're. Every person who is not an idiot will, when reading on past blogs and finding that they made one of those mistakes (not because they're as stupid as the other people who make those same mistakes, but because they're such fast typers, or didn't proof read, or whatever other legitimate reasons can be fairly assumed), feel a twinge of, "Oh shit. Now people think I'm a mental retard. They'll think I don't even know the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' So-and-so's opinion of me is ruined slightly, even if it's sub-consciously, because I used the wrong 'it's.'"

But the worst, most hatable thing relating to the different usages is when people are inconsistent in their blogs. In one paragraph it seems like they're TRYING to fuck up every one; in the next, they get them all right.

I also hate when people edit 'sh*t,' but not 'bitch,' 'd@mn,' but not 'ass.' I also hate when people use the '@' for the 'a' in 'damn.' Fuck that Sh!t.

(and when I start using quotation marks and these things: ' (what the fuck are those called??), and feel like I can't stop. I realize I am probably using them incorrectly and breaking the rules of the ', and everyone is sub-consciously (and consciously) hating my guts)

Oh yeah, and when people write a blog and then realize it wasn't a good representation of their wit or brilliance, so they erase it. I think you have to live with your blogging errors. Atone by making the next one good, not erasing this one, butthole.

I don't hate editing one hate blog post three times because I realized some other things I totally hate.

2007-05-12T16:52:00.000-06:00

if i was starting a riot grrl band, i'd name it

switchblade sisters

if the title alone doesn't make you want to see this movie, let me tell you about some of the ingredients:
-a gang called the silver daggers (with the girls in the gang called the dagger-debs)
-an all women gang called the jezebels (maggie found it in the dictionary)
-a black maoist revolutionary women's gang (the name of the gang is unkown)
-urban warfare with a homemade tank
-a knife fight
-a shootout at a rollerskating rink

he was removed from jail

2007-05-11T09:45:00.000-06:00

it's a herzog movie, it's been re-released and yesterday was it's last day at the tower.

cobra verde

herzog has a pretty bleak view of human nature and kinski is totally crazy. we try and pull our boat into the ocean but it's too big and the tide isn't high enough and we just have to give up and get pushed around by the waves crashing against the shore. this movie didn't make any sense (but that doesn't mean i didn't like it).

the cult of objectivity

2007-05-10T10:25:00.000-06:00

and remember the dress bjork wore to the oscars that year? a swan dress. that may have been the best thing anyone has ever done ever. a swan dress. it's perfect on so many levels. if you don't think bjork's swan dress is cool, i've got some sad news for you: you might be cool, but not awesome. and how did bjork not win an oscar for her performance? it's as good as elizabeth taylor's performance in who's afraid of virginia wolff (which, in my opinion, is one of the best performances ever).

i buy shoes without socks

2007-05-09T23:40:00.000-06:00

i watched the last half of dancer in the dark on tv last night.

dancer in the dark

imagine lars von treir. he's made a bunch of these movies -- element of a crime, breaking the waves, epidemic, the idiots -- with this totally distinct and unsettling style, he's one of the founding members of dogme 95, he's ushering in digital video and then he goes to whoever is financing his movies and is like, "i want to make a musical. not only that, i want the song-and-dance numbers to be over-the-top with vibrant colors and i want 100 cameras filming the music parts simultaneously and i want to have bjork be the star and write all the music and i want it to be one of the saddest movies ever." and then he does it and it's perfect.

i think curt schilling takes steriods

2007-05-08T11:32:00.000-06:00

some movies i watched this weekend:

putney swope

was that putney swope's real voice? was the movie a satire? a satire of what? advertising, obviously, but also maybe about radical social movements becoming products. we align ourselves politically by the things we buy. i think there's also a critique of the chauvinism of new left.

the structures can't be reformed. we have to burn the entire thing down!!!

invasion of the humaniods

i couldn't find any pictures of the earlier robots, but they are so awesome i don't even think i can try and describe them. the closest thing i can think of are the robots in dr. octogan's alien video. so humans are primarily information processing machines. but then there's the question of embodiment: is our consciousness--our memories, our subjective experience, our whatever--tied to our physical structures or could it be moved into better hardware? don't forget that this is a documentary filmed in the future and meant to be viewed for future junior high school kids learning about the origins of life.

get out of my road. i pay taxes.

2007-04-21T17:01:00.000-06:00

i hate marathons. specifically the salt lake marathon. i was late to look at an apartment, late to yoga, late to lunch. you name it i was late for it today. and you know why? its because people didnt want to just ruin their saturdays by running 26.2 miles they wanted to ruin mine as well.

happy to be hating

2007-04-05T20:30:00.000-06:00

i hate that i havent been able to hate on this blog for six months because of beta. i also hate how it took me that long to remember all i needed to do what use another profile.

let's make this the best april ever!!!

2007-04-05T12:41:00.000-06:00

commercials always ruin tv. except for those caveman geico commercials and every sonic commercial. so forget tv. well, not forget, but forgive. what i do is try and stop watching commercial tv. you might think this severely limits the quality of television programs i can view. well, you're wrong.

or i'm wrong, but let me try and convince.

here are the stations i regularly watch now:
tcm -- which never has any commercials except occasionally playing old trailers for movies they'll show later in the week (including this trailer for bananas which may be funnier than the movie)
cspan -- i don't know how to explain the greatness of cspan, you just got to watch it addictively for four months and then you'll understand
cspan2 -- see above
pbs -- this, like all the non-commercial tv, is hit and miss, but frontline is great

that might be all of the ones i can handle. as previously mentioned, they are all hit and miss, but when they hit, they kill you they're so good.

my one commercial exception is fox soccer channel but because this channel feels non-commercial. the games go on for over forty-five minutes at a time without interruption and all the companies advertised on european club uniforms are a mystery to me so i feel like i'm not being influenced as a consumer. but then the commercials come on and they're totally weird. they're either for wall-bangers (which are the english version of big-heads), soccer videos and international phone cards. the one i just saw featured americans with the smallest amount of indistinguishable ethnicity faking accents talking about how great it is to call their aunt in san paolo.

HOV my ass

2007-03-15T06:49:00.000-06:00

i recently learned that it is totally legit for motorcycles to be in the hov lane. maybe i am totally slow on this one, but wtf?! even though it annoys me, i understand buses because hey, they are indeed high occupancy vehicles. and i even understand clean fuel vehicles because i think its good that they are encouraging people to drive hybrids and stuff. but motorcycles!? how does one guy and two wheels make sense in an hov lane? why do my two extra wheels prohibit me from the same benefit? whatev. i'm over it.

hate = good

2007-02-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

i recently watched a very enlightening video that discusses the differences between love and hate. I’ve studied the video many times, and have begin to take the topic down a different path.

first of all, who says that love is good and hate is bad? whoever it was is probably a liar. if you disagree with me then I love you (which is worse than hating you).

let me explain: when we love ourselves or others it leads to a feeling of inequality. we value and esteem an object above others to the point that we convince ourselves that that object is worth defending (unto death?). when we hate (the true meaning of hate) we become indifferent towards this “thing”. If we really really hate the thing, we won’t want anything to do with it, and it will blend into obscurity. You might be operating under a wrong perception of hate right now, so you might be disagreeing with me. I’m not talking about the spiteful hate, where you would like to love something but because it rejects you, you end up hating it. I’m talking about hate hate. if i were talking about the rejected love, it would argue my case all the better. the spiteful hate is caused by love, so obviously love is to blame.

ever since i came to this this realization, that video is now a tragedy. the evil love wins, and hate loses. It’s too bad that I don’t hate that video or I’d be fine, but i don’t. i love it.

i hate memory lane

2007-02-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

i hate it when the first boy i ever said i love you to kills himself. i also hate that some asshole tries to tell me its not a big deal because our relationship was so long ago. effer.

i hate crying in front of people, especially when those people are my co-workers.

is this topic too intense for this blog? i agree. here are some other things i hate recently:

1. you find old journals and realize how dorky/cheesy you were/are.

2. you look at pictures that you haven't looked at in years and realize you weren't as cute as you thought you were.

for example this jumper i had (and wore ALL the time) made entirely of denim (with a denim jacket i wore over it) it looked like this:

3. i hate how bad i am at keeping in touch with people i love.

4. i hate the pervy old man with the dresser full of gay porn that melissa dog-sat for (this doesn't really have to do with memory lane, but i still hate him and his creepy house).

5. when an ex that you do want to forget exists won't let you. then you make it worse (or better?) by dating his younger brother.

6. i kind of actually like 1, 2, and 5.

7. i hate it when i realize i actually like half the things i just hated on (including the denim jumper)

Civil Rights Day

2007-01-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

The first bowling alley that we went to was packed with college-aged buttholes wearing too much make-up, Ugg boots, and hair extensions. The second was charging extra because it was a holiday, and was crawling with screaming kids with slobber-covered t-shirts and moms who used her fingers to wipe their noses.

My resolution for 2007 was to improve my game. How am I supposed to do that without any goddamned practice?

christmas miracles

2006-12-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

i'm watching bad santa on tv. bad santa is, hands down, the best christmas movie ever. not that that's saying a lot. can you even think of another watchable christmas movie that doesn't have an elf wishing it could be a dentist? regardless, bad santa is a great movie. but here's the christmas miracle part: when i watch this movie on christmas (this is the first time i've ever done that), i realize that i don't hate christmas nearly as much as billy bob's character in bad santa. actually i don't know if that's a christmas miracle. i'm pretty sure i'll hate christmas as much as bill bob's character in 15 years. but this year i know i don't hate christmas as much as i should. partly because i can watch bad santa on tv. but this has it's drawbacks: they edit out all the swears.

did you know orrin hatch (yes, senator orrin hatch) recorded a christmas record? i haven't heard it, but it's gotta be great. doubting hatch's music credentials? listen to this:

"Music became an integral part of Orrin's life at a young age. Even though his parents, Helen and Jesse, were very poor, they made great sacrifices to allow their children to experiment with different instruments. At six years old, Orrin began taking piano lessons. Knowing how to play the piano gave him confidence to advance to the organ and violin.

"Lessons were not the only method Helen and Jesse used in helping their son develop an appreciation for music. Although they had to scrimp and save everything they could to round up $18.75 for student peanut-heaven seats, Orrin's parents made it possible for their children to attend every concert of the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra from when he was 12 years old until he left for college. He fondly recollects the burst of excitement he felt before each concert. His eagerness to attend the concert and his passion for the music carried him on his two-mile walk to and from each concert at the Syria Mosque."

so orrin hatch grew up poor. and now he's been in the senate for a billion years and records music including an album with the osmonds: second generation and a single titled "america united: a tribute to those who lost their lost their lives on semptember 11th." talk about a christmas miracle.

line rider

2006-12-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

i hate anyone that doesn't play this game every (other) day.

line rider

here's my best attempt so far:

and here's the best one i've ever seen:

the funniest thing is how me and greg found out about this game independently and then told brian about it in the same month.

twenty somethings

2006-12-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

I hate when all the college kids come back from Christmas break and the area of Provo around our house is busy again. It hasn't happened yet, but I hate it so much that I'm already anticipating my anger and hate. College kids driving around on our streets (if driving in snow is so terrifying that you can't go more than eight miles an hour, maybe you should just take the bus), college kids at our grocery stores and our laundromat (I just want to get to the cold cereal aisle! Stop dilly-dallying. Get out of my way!). College kids being noisy in public places (God forbid someone doesn't notice how cute and funny we are!), building snowmen (OMG! That one's so funny! It's shoveling snow/sitting on a bench/holding hands with a snowgirl/showing its snow butt!), interacting with members of the opposite sex in the most dispicable ways. College kids breathing our air. I wish they'd all die while they're home for the holidays. I hate my peers.

New York ... Butt!!

2006-12-24T16:59:00.000-07:00

I don't hate the film New York Doll. I think it's an excellent example of "Mormon cinema," in a mostly subtle and not-very-annoying way. However, I do hate reading final exams about New York Doll that say idiotic things about how David Johanssen and the other Dolls are "lost" because they wear flamboyant clothes and don't understand Christ.

And even the ones that don't say idiotic things. Let me be done with this semester already!

i love this

2006-12-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

I definately don't hate this comic:

you can click the comic for a bigger size, or you can see it here.

gorillas

2006-12-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

i don't hate them. but i do hate that there is no consensus on whether they can swim or not.

cecil vs. thomas

i love everyone because i've got the holiday spirit

2006-12-19T12:32:00.000-07:00

psyche!

does anyone know how to put yourself in a coma for like two days? because i'm wishin' i was in one. i've been sick and christmas is making me sicker.

i hate the people i'm nannying for, and here's why:

2006-12-13T00:21:00.000-07:00

we're not even going to focus on the fact that they don't spend any time with their children even when they are in the same state as them, therefore turning their children into needy, attention deprived monsters (that last word is a stretch [or complete lie], i actually love them. they're so cute [slash a pain in my probably-not-meant-to-be-a-nanny ass]). no, my hate for the people i'm nannying for stems from their innability (or disinterest) in thinking things through before leaving the state. how hard is it to think "hey, i wonder if our kids will need to eat while we're gone for two straight weeks", or "hey, since we left the fridge and pantry bare, i wonder if becky will need funds to purchase groceries for our children (and herself [what? its a perk!])", or "hey, there's no gas in the van, should we leave a debit card like we promised we would?" and lastly "hmm, if we forget all of the previously mentioned things, i wonder if becky is currently dirt poor and can't fund two weeks of our children's lives, and we should leave her money since these are, in fact, our kids...". do i need to explain my point further? i think everyone gets it. even the dead horse.

okay, so the second reason i hate them is because they thought it was a prime idea to schedule their van to be fixed 3 days after my arrival/their departure. so i had to have someone drive out here and drop off the van, leaving me carless. good thing the girls like walking to school (good thing i do too, but i still get to claim it as a point of complaint). but then i'm trapped in the house even when i do have all of those free hours during school and that just seems wrong somehow. and of course the car wasn't finished in three days like it was supposed to be, so i then had to borrow a car from my parents, forcing my dad to ride the bus (which he loves--but still, i get to claim this). oh, did i mention it was just body work being done?? WTF? what is wrong with you people? get the freaking body work done when you get back in town. its not detrimental and you're inconveniencing at least 8-10 people. if you're kids didn't worship me (this could be due to the neediness and in no way a reflection of my charming personality), and they weren't so stinking cute, i would have dropped them off in a random parking lot somewhere by now and driven off towards freedom (after the van was fixed, of course). i freaking hate you.

also, the house is haunted. but i don't really hate that.

i kind of hate that i didn't make my last post blue like i normally do

2006-12-13T00:19:00.000-07:00

Whatup.

2006-12-12T11:03:00.000-07:00

I hate when other people are always using the cutting board (even on a Saturday night. Don't you people have dates at Los Hermanos or something?) and instead of trimming text blocks by sections, they think they need to do it a single sheet at a time. And then, just when you think they're done, they pull out a whole new stack of paper and it turns out that they're binding War and Fucking Peace. (Remember in Me You and Everyone We Know when she says "fuck peace"? That's so funny.) And then, instead of just letting me listen to my ELO, they have to yap yap yap about how much they love climing - "for sport" - but how hard it is on their hand and so they have to use hemp lotion. And you want to tell them that no only do you not care at all about climbing and hope that they fall to their death in AF canyon, but you think lotion is for sissys and hemp smells like death and another thing you hate even more than their ugly, War and Peace binding ass is that Heather makes your whole house smell like patuchli and this seems to inspire pointless conversation!

Something else I hate is teaching review sessions. I haven't done it yet, but I fear I will feel very redundant and boring and I feel that enough when I'm talking on the phone.

People who use Albinoni's Adagio in film these days are retarded.

Today is the most beautiful day of the year.

My friend Drew is here for a week, but I hate that he is sick and I hate the government for not giving him free health care. But I love that with his beanie and beard he looks just like Osama Bin Laden.

I hate Dune. Fuck Dune.

i hate birthdays

2006-12-10T15:01:00.000-07:00

even if you pretend not to, or don't consciously do it, you have expectations that your birthday is somehow going to be an above-average day, or a day that you don't want to kill yourself. but then the day comes along and you suddenly have to claim an older age than you did the day before, nobody--including your family--remembers to call you anyway, the day is less exciting than normal days, and at the end you want to kill yourself more than you usually do. i've decided that i'm not celebrating any birthdays. i don't think anyone should. but if people insist on asking me about mine, or calling me on mine, i've decided i'm regressing in years. so this year, i'll be turning 27 again. maybe i'll go down to 25 and then start going back up again. but that's only if i'm forced to aknowledge by birthday or age at all, of course. so, in conclusion, i'm excited to (not) be turning 27 again.

(and, no, i'm not writing this because its my birthday. today is not my birthday)

i finally figured out this white elephant gift thing

2006-12-08T11:57:00.000-07:00

i was thinking about using the testimony-in-the-book-of-mormon gift for my family party this year but realized i told too many family members about the idea. if everybody knows it's me, it couldn't be thought of as a christmas miracle. so it was back to the drawing board except i don't know what a drawing board is. i was thinking of developing one of my 73 tv-show ideas into a pilot and give the tele-play as a white elephant gift. then i thought, "why settle for a television show when i could give a treatment of one of my 56 movie ideas as a gift." i settled on one i've already discussed on this blog: et ii.

et ii: i'll think of a subtitle later

the film takes place now. elliot--the very same elliot (but not necessarily the same actor)--is a graduate student working on a masters in botany. he's in his late twenties with longish, curly brown hair and a slight beard. he wears, from top-to-bottom, black adidas sambas, average blue levis, black sweatshirt over a light-colored plaid shirt (only the collar shows) and small-framed, non-descript glasses. elliot lives in a small, barely furnished apartment--maybe just a bed, desk and worn-out chair. on the wall above the desk is a georgia o'keefe flower calendar and some photos including a photo taken the halloween elliot spent with et. elliot is at his desk reading darwin. on the desk is a cream-colored rotary phone circa 1985. the phone rings, startling elliot.

elliot: hello?

cut to: a vertical split screen with et on the top and elliot on the bottom. both elliot and et use the same phone.

et: elliot! how's it going?

elliot: fine. who is this?

et: i'll give you a hint: years ago we used to go on bike rides together and occasionally those bikes would fly.

elliot: et!! what's happening? i haven't talked to you since i was a kid. i thought i'd never hear from you again. how are you?

et: pretty good. i just thought i'd phone you at home and see how things are going.

elliot: man, et, your english is great. you're pretty much fluent.

et: well, i have to admit, i'm using a voice-box translator. it automatically converts my language into yours.

elliot: oh. well, how can you understand me?

et: it also converts your language into mine.

elliot: i see. (beat.) so--

et: so i was wondering if you'd like to come and visit my planet. it's a lot like earth--similar atmosphere, mostly water--except there aren't any humans. well, live humans. we have some humans on display at the musuem of natural history. artifacts, fossils and the like.

elliot: from earth?

et: no. there where humaniods--remarkably similar to homosapiens--living on my planet about 500,00 earth years ago.

elliot: did they go extinct?

et: yeah.

elliot: what happened?

et: most ets think a giant asteriod hit our planet and caused their extinction, but i think it was a change in gravity caused by a difference in speed of the rotation of our planet that caused their extinction. but you won't see that theory represented at the musuem of natural history.

elliot: wait. your musuem is actually called the musuem of natural history? that's what we call it here.

et: actually, that's just the way the voice-box translates it.

elliot: oh.

et: so, do you want to come to my planet?

elliot: i'd love to, but i have this big test on friday. this test will make or break my grade.

et: no problem. i can have you back by friday. with our technology, you can spend up to three weeks on my planet for every day on yours.

elliot: how's that possible?

et: first you need to figure out super-string theory, then it'll make sense.

elliot: so your planet is in another dimension?

et: it's complicated.

elliot. ok. what should i bring?

et: just extra clothes--we don't wear any clothes so you should bring your own--and, i was wondering, could you bring some of those candies i love?

elliot: reeses pieces?

et: yeah.

elliot: ok. when are you picking me up?

et: i'll be there in an earth hour.

elliot: i'll see you then.

et: bye.

elliot hangs up the phone. the camera pulls back form a close up to a medium shot. elliot looks directly into the camera and jumps just like he's in a toyota commercial.

elliot: i'm going to space!

so that's the opening scene. from there it's all about the misunderstandings elliot has on et's planet. it's a comedy.

i still hate christmas, but i'm excited for this christms party. or rather i'm excited for when one of my cousins opens up this gift and gets totally depressed. the rest of the party will suck.

we got 'em

2006-12-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

remember how 7-11 doesn't have quarters? i bought $3.00 worth of stuff so i could get cash back and then as i was leaving i conveniently changed my mind and bought one more thing. then i took my quarters straight to the laundromat and used them. i didn't even pretend like i was going back home.

i hate christmas

2006-12-02T10:32:00.000-07:00

but who doesn't?

well, not too many people. but i can't understand it? why do people love christmas so much? it's not like we live in argentina where we could say things like, "man, i hate christmas but at least the weather is getting better." here it's so cold you just want to kill yourself. and that's without thinking about christmas. and then it's shopping, shopping, tv shows about shopping, work christmas parties (which you have to shop for), shopping, christmas songs everywhere, lights, shopping and shopping. and everyone is like, "i just love christmas because i love giving gifts." bullshit. well, maybe. but i still think it's giving to look good as opposed to some sort of platonic form about giving like giving is good in and of itself. or maybe that's that other guy. aristotle? did the ancient greeks have christmas? they probably invented it after they killed socrates. i hate ancient greece. except for that one play. i don't know, maybe i hate that too.

back to christmas. so i have this family christmas party every year with my mom's side of the family. we do some weird white elephant gift exchange and i feel like no one even cares. there's a five dollar limit so everyone buys stupid candy or place warmers (which i always want but never get) or slinkys. but it's white elephant? doesn't that mean you bring stuff from your home you don't want? last year i brought an extra copy of beckett's "waiting for godot" and my collection of simon and garfunkel records. these were two seperate gifts. but here was my original idea (and by original i mean that aaron's friend greg thought of it): get one of those free book of mormons and put a generic testimony in the front. then when someone gets it and asks who it's from, hint that it could be a christmas miracle. this would work best if one of the non-member or less-active persons in our family received the gift. two weeks later all my active family members would be bearing their little hearts out during testimony meeting about how this christmas miracle is uniting our entire family with god or something. that would have been a good christmas.

i hate coconut

2006-11-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

1 when you crack one open it's like having some pregnant ladies water break all over your hands.
2 cocnuts kill more people each year than great white sharks.
2.1 i know i hate coconuts, but this is true.
3 i used to work at a grocery store and when i'd stock bags of shredded cocnut my hands would get all greasy; sealed plastic bags cannot even contain coconut grossness.
4 coconuts taste gross.
4.1 that statement is opinion but it's a fact that i believe it is true.
5 jesus told me in a dream that coconuts are evil.
5.1 it was less of a dream and more of my imagination.
5.2 actually it was all imagination.
6 when people order cocnut lattes i tell them to go to hell.
6.1 that's not true, but i wish it was.

I hate having to title my hate blogs

2006-11-23T00:47:00.000-07:00

I don't hate the diva stance, the fist pumping, or the 'can opener' dancing. I don't even hate the "It's Raining Men." But I do hate that Whitney thinks this kind of jolliness is going to make up for the fact that she learned how to play piano on her laptop keyboard and wants me to name that tune, name that tune!

(It was the theme for Jurassic Park)

I've been a bit on the moody side lately, so I realize that it's not really fair for me to expect her to know when walk-squatting around the house to the beat of an ABBA song is going to make me laugh so hard I fall on the ground, and when it's going to make me not want to talk to her for a few minutes. But that doesn't mean I don't hate her.

We hate this guy.

2006-11-23T00:39:00.000-07:00

Whitney forgot to mention that the love-proclaiming asshole also habitually smells like sour milk (Or something. It's hard to pinpoint) and has clammy hands. And despite that fact, he always manages to date girls that are way out of his league.

Lethal Weapon 4 is Better Than Love

2006-11-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

After watching Lethal Weapon 4 tonight (besides the fact that they continually acknowledge that they're "getting too old for this shit," this one is the best because of car chase scenes I would like to call The Bomb and Jet Li - who, despite trying to kill pregnant ladies and strangling people with those Buddha beads, I was rooting for on the basis of being the hottest and fittest )both meanings)) I decided to do a little MySpace surfing. With the internet back in our apartment, I've been doing an unhealthy amount of that. Surfing MySpace in general isn't that unhealthy, but when you've got this hatred for all man/womankind (as previously mentioned) it doesn't really do much for your humanitarian side.

Today I stumbled across a friend and his new girlfriend having one of those "I love you more" conversations over MySpace comments. I'm not sure why these two feel the need to advertise their love over the internet (especially on her part...if you know what I mean...) but I wish that if they had to do this electronically, they could keep it to their motherfucking mailbox.

write what you know

2006-11-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

have you ever heard the phrase "write what you know"? i've heard it--multiple times. if i had to create some kind of graph or chart showing not only how often i've heard that phrase but also the ways i've heard that phrase i think that graph or chart would identify tv as the way i most often hear "write what you know." not that the tv tells me that, but whatever is on the tv keeps telling me. obviously. you know that; you've seen tv. usually i'm watching some show about people with writer's block and someone is like "write what you know." but maybe we're wrong. maybe it's the tv telling me to "write what [i] know." not only that, maybe tv is telling me all sorts of stuff--what to like, what to do with my freetime (watch tv), why my relationships don't work out, why i can't sleep, what the future should be like, why i hate everything and why my life is a mess. it's not the people creating tv telling me this but tv. the actual tv. not the actual, physical tv in my living room always staring at me but something like the idea of tv. a tv-oversoul. oversoul? what's that a reference to? i can't remember and i'm worried it's something stupid. but i'm leaving it in. i'm leaving everything in. maybe i should start another paragraph. nobody likes long paragraphs.

new paragraph. but i still want to talk about tv as some kind of organism. i know little to no microbiology but i did used to date a microbiologist, so maybe this analogy won't be terrible. it'll be pretty bad, but i'm leaving it in.

here it goes:

what if tv is a virus? not like a virus but an actual virus. like it's this living thing that we don't see but it's always there. it's there an it uses us for it's own survival. like how viruses can mimic their hosts' dna, actually encoding itself into the host then using the host to reproduce itself. tv gets inside all of us tricking us into thinking that our original ideas for tv--what tv means, how important it is, ideas for tv shows, new technology for enhanced tv viewing, new ways to advertise on tv--are ours when really tv encodes itself inside of us and simply uses us to reproduce itself in more advanced and dangerous ways. when i say dangerous i'm not talking about tv violence spawning real-life violence. that's bullshit. i'm talking about a tv takeover. a takeover that none of will even recognize. it's possible it has already happened. tv uses us to continually re-create itself. but i don't think it's too bad yet. it seems like, while we definitely have to give up on liberal humanism, we can still be involved in determining what it means to be human or posthuman or some kind of cybernetic adaptation of humans and tv. or maybe we need new definitions of what it means to be human, one that recognizes tv as a defining characteristic shaping (and possibly controlling) human awareness and/or existence. just remember that you can no longer, in good conscience, call you thoughts your own.

for becky: this blog is about how i hate liberal humanism.
for everyone: i don't hate tv.

It's Not Like Riding a Bike

2006-11-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

I have lost the ability to socialize in a decent, non-embarrassing manner. I blame this on the following: hating 99% of man/womankind, grad school applications, really good books. However, there are situations where you must give up one preference in order to cash in on the other. For example, I am fond of school, but there are people who also go to school and - sometimes - sit close to me. Close enough that we must have conversations. What I've discovered this semester is that living the hermit's life takes a toll on your ability to do this in a way that will not reveal too much. Like, you want to seem nice and caring (even though you really aren't, and there's probably no point to this except that maybe, in the future, you will need something from this person) and so you make jokes that aren't funny and have to do with your inner-most insecurities. Or you start talking about how much you hate so-and-so, and then later realize that so-and-so is this person's BFF. Or you make fun of someone's pants (because they're ugly) and you don't realize that this could be taken as an insult. Conversations are complicated.

Heather loves pointing out how awkward I am in front of the people I am verbally assaulting, making it even more difficult for me to jump back. Take our cashier at Allen's last night: a seemingly nice boy brimming with...teeth. I told him that he's not invited to watch Batman with us. When Heather made this "oh-you're-so-mean-whitney-how-could-you-say-such-a-heartless-thing-to-this-boy-who's-weighing-our-chocolate??" noise, I said "just kidding! You can come! Come over! We're watching Batman! The second one! Not the first! But the first is pretty good! I like Jack Nicholson! I like when he wears sunglasses at the Oscars! Once Hunter S. Thompson was bringing him a boar (I think it was!) heart and some tape recording of pigs being slaughtered! Isn't that funny!? But don't you hate that part in Weekend!? I presented today on Weekend! It sucked! Amy presented on the Carnavalesque! She showed a clip from Batman! Want to come over and watch Batman!???" It wasn't me at my most suave.

This one time in Paris we were trying to explain the meaning of the word suave to our French host mom who thought we meant, like, flaming gay. It wasn't as good as the time we were trying to describe American cake as being more fluffy and she thought we meant fluffy like a teddy bear ... I guess you had to be there.

And stuff.

i don't know

2006-11-11T17:24:00.000-07:00

i once had a mustache for four hours. it was pretty awesome. i shaved it because it kept rubbing on the corner of my lips which made me look like i had herpes of the mouth. if you're gonna have herpes it might as well be of the mouth. but i didn't have herpes and i didn't want the sides of my lips feeling like i had herpes of the mouth. so i shaved it. that was over a year ago. the only other person to see my mustache (besides myself) was my sister, teresa. but whatever. she liked the movie stick it. so did aaron. after he saw the movie he tried to become myspace friends with the girl from the movie. the one sporting (get it?) a bad brains t-shirt. my friend adam is the only person i know who likes bad brains more than me. he also knows some people in a new york based bad brains cover band called fearless vampire killers. that's probably the best possible name for a bad brains cover band. although pay to cum is a close second. i think this post was supposed to be about mustaches, but instead i want to talk about myspace. the other day, campus ladies invited me to be their friend on myspace. that was probably the second best thing ever.

mustaches. why do people always assume that people with mustaches are child molesters or look like they could be child molesters? if you are a sex offender, you are not going to sport (this time it's not a joke) a mustache. it's too obvious. saddam hussien may have killed a bunch of people but he wasn't a child molester; hitler may have been a vegetarian but he wasn't a child molester. you're more likely to commit war crimes if you sport a mustache. but i'm going to say that mustaches are coming back.

i hate a classmate

2006-11-09T20:36:00.000-07:00

so get a load of this.

last week my teacher asked if we minded pushing the due date for a paper from a thursday, to the following tuesday. just as we were all raising our hands (note, ALL, but one), she stopped herself and said, "maybe i should word it this way, who doesn't want me to change the due date?"

so this one kid. a freaking law student. one of those joint degree kids says, "i don't, it's not fair. you advertised the paper due this day, so it's not fair to those of us who planned for this date."

i was completely unnerved.

someone said... "why not just turn it in on thursday then?"

he responded, "it's to my disadvantage to do that."

my teacher, not expecting a dissenting vote agreed to keep the paper due at the original time. i was FUMING. right after that we (all the first years) went to a workshop on resumes... we were all gossiping about this kid. we had to trade our resumes with our neighbor and get feedback. in the rumor mill i heard that mr. "i don't want to change the due date" put the fact that he's a "triathelete" on his resume.

so great, you are applying for a job. they don't care if you can run, swim and bike to work jerk. they want to know what skills you have. only an a-hole puts something like that on his resume.

next tuesday our teacher told the whole class that she had gotten a lot of email about what just transpired, and that she was going to proceed with postponing the due date.... as aaron would say, "in your face." i was so happy. she even said, "i don't want to put anyone on the spot, if you don't agree with this then let me know." i was just waiting for him to say something. because i seriously would've pounced on him. i was only three rows away, but i'm gangly and have got a reach, i definitely would've given him something to think about if he wanted to get sassy in class again.

but he stayed quiet. good thing. sucker would've gotten a mean stink-eye, and perhaps even a black eye.

i hate that there are never any new posts

2006-11-07T13:49:00.000-07:00

table tennis, or what is onomatopoetically called ping pong, is like the best sport ever. well, technically soccer is the best sport, but it's so hard to find enough people to play and turn when you find people to play and then when you find enough people to play you still have to find a ball, a place to play and shorts to play in and then it's either too hot or too cold and even though you have so much fun playing--way funner than any ecstasy party i've been to and the ones i've been to are totally fun, you know, with like dancing and ouija boards and the rubber-band game and vest-jackets and banana chair surfing--you're so sore the next day. so soccer is the best sport (especially 2 on 2 indoor soccer played on a racquetball court) but sometimes ping pong is even better.

but you don't have to take my word for it:

(ok. i want to explain how i found these photos first. i thought the line was funny enough--you know, because we all watched reading rainbow growing up and pretend to like it now because we weren't so depressed when we were kids but childhood wasn't so great and neither was reading rainbow. maybe i was trying to be ironic, but that's not any better. i mean, do i think i'm better because i don't pretend to like reading rainbow? no. i'm still trying to define myself in terms of which products i consume[d] and which i didn't. so scrap the reference.)

(but why wouldn't i just erase the reference rather than writing about how i'm embarrassed i used it? i have a few ideas, but i don't want to spend another paragraph over-analyzing everything i write. it's not funny.)

(but if i did it enough times would it become funny?)

the internet is great. while watching parts of the patriots/colts game sunday night during commercials of prehistoric park i wondered if peyton manning is married. thanks to the internet i found the answer in less than ten minutes (or, more correctly, in less than or equal to ten minutes). he's married, but i couldn't find any pictures of the two of them. so i started looking for pictures of steve nash and his family. instead i found proof of how awesome ping pong is. (rebecca, feel free to use these pictures or even this entire post [or portions of it] on your blog because ping pong is always awesome.)

i may not have found pictures of nash and his girlfiend and/or kid(s), but i found this:

but he's not the only awesome athlete who loves ping pong. there's ronnie brown, who looks like a killer doubles partner:

sharapova plays in a dress which isn't that weird considering that she plays tennis in a dress:

andy roddick plays

against mandy moore

i think i could take mandy moore
but it's not just bad actors who play. there's humphrey bogart

audrey hepburn

and keanu reeves (who plays left-handed)

i would love to play any of those people. i think i could take mandy moore, bogart, and keanu if we were both stoned when we played. but if i had access to a time/space machine, i'd travel back to cuba shortly after the revolution to play castro.

stoned or not, castro would beat me for sure. but it would be awesome.

if there's anyone i wouldn't want to play against, it would probably be mr. ed

that horse's forehand looks like it could kill someone.

who needs leap years?

2006-10-31T21:09:00.000-07:00

i hate star trek. and i hate calendars. they're both stupid and pointless. i had other calendar idea last year. i thought it was a way better calendar than we have right now, but here's the problem with the other calendar idea that i had: it totally caters to the earth's revolution about its axis and about the sun. i mean, if we're trying to move towards a universal calendar, it can't be fair that on earth a day has a defined night time and day time while on other planets days are completely independent of whether they're facing the sun or not. so even though 13 months per year is a great idea, it's a little bit short-sighted. that's why it's time to introduce a new calendar idea, based (like all science) on the metric system. you might think i'm stealing this idea from star trek. in fact, i just thought about how maybe i am. so i researched it and stardates don't make any sense. they're totally made up and don't even move chronologically at all. gene roddenberry, who created stardates, once said:

"This time system adjusts for shifts in relative time which occur due to the vessel's speed and space warp capability. It has little relationship to Earth's time as we know it. One hour aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise at different times may equal as little as three Earth hours. The stardates specified in the log entry must be computed against the speed of the vessel, the space warp, and its position within our galaxy, in order to give a meaningful reading."

he was later heard to admit that he didn't know what he was talking about and that they weren't created to be closely analyzed. so they're usually completely arbitrary and totally useless. not that arbitrary is bad. just that if you're going to make a calendar, you can only take the beginning of the calendar to be arbitrary. then you need to stay consistent. so stardates are out. and i didn't steal this idea from them because they don't even make sense. and the regular calendar is out because it's racist (it favors the west). so take a hike, gregorian calendars, a hike to the top of a volcano while we usher in the metric age.

first of all, we get rid of every measurement of time. say goodbye to years, months, decades, minutes, hours, nanoseconds, etc. the only one we keep is one second. we need that because the speed of light is defined in terms of seconds, meaning the seconds we have right now. then we define a day to be how long it would take light to travel 2 x 10^13 meters in a vacuum. now all we do is just start counting days from september 11, 2001, which i also picked as an arbitrary starting day. so dates are given in terms of how many days since time equals zero (september 11, 2001). for instance, today's date is 2429.614. it's been 2429 days since day 0 and the time of the day is .614. so if someone asks, "what's today's date?" you can respond, "2429." if they ask for the time you say, "614." so it's been just over half a day since the beginning of the day. for convenience, we can define a week to be 10 days and a year to be 1000 days. all the other units of times are given in days with some metric prefix. like millidays, centidays, decidays, decadays (weeks), hectodays, kilodays (years), etc. so your birthday would be some number between 0 and 999. like if my birthday was 911, then i would have parties on days like 2911, 5911, 10911, etc. what easy numbers, right? hard to ever forget, that's for sure. so my birthday would be coming up in 482 days. sweet! somebody suggested saying "funday" instead of "birthday." the only thing i like about that is that in spanish it would be called "diavertido." but that's not enough of a selling point for me, unless we make spanish the official language of the universe. but that seems sort of contrary to the whole purpose of picking a new calendar.

next we should discuss how things in the world would be run. we would set the beginning of each day (.000) to be the time when most people should be waking up. so businesses would be open from like .100 to .400, 6 days a week. those would be normal work hours. there would be 4 day weekends every week. 4 day weekends!? right. people would generally go to sleep between .600 and .700 and sleep until .000 the next day. think how easy it would be to set your alarm! there would be labor laws that dictated that no one is allowed to work more than 20 decidays in a week and no more than .400 per day.

the best thing about this new calendar is that it can be used throughout the universe without aliens getting upset about how it's based on the earth's rotation cycle. i guess the only downside that i can see is that it favors base 10 system. i wanted to do base 2, but then the dates get too big too fast. which is fine for computers. and maybe if they make us into computers then it would be way better. but base 2 favors computers, so the non-computer beings would feel discriminated against. there's no way around this, so we're doing base 10. base 10 really only favors the hard sciences. so the soft sciences might cry themselves (ourselves) to sleep (around .600) for awhile and then get over it.

some people might complain about how the beginning of each day doesn't correspond with the lighting outside. they might say that it isn't good for us biologically or that it isn't safe to walk to work in the dark. the first point is obviously untrue, so i'll only address the second point. if we light the world by stadium lights and dim our houses by black shutters then we can effectively control when it's light outside and when it's dark inside. so it'll be easy to sleep (lights out at .700!) and safe to commute to work.

just to put a reference point on our new days, they work out to be roughly 18.53133862 of of our current hours long. so you only have to work around 5 1/2 (of our) hours a day and you get to sleep for just under 7 1/2 hours. sounds nice, right?

I need three credits to graduate, but I'm dropping out.

2006-10-28T23:39:00.000-06:00

I hate that joke where people say, “I’m not the most humble person I know. I mean, I am so humble!” And you’re supposed to laugh because ha ha! they’re bragging about being humble— it’s so ironically hilarious!

Similarly, I hate when people say, “I’m going to stop procrastinating… tomorrow!” and look to you with their mouths slightly open, their eyebrows raised, and an expression of anticipation, so that you’ll know you’re supposed to validate their douche-bag existence with a laugh. Or when people complain about someone else being apathetic or indifferent, and then say, “I’d hate him, but I don’t I don’t really care enough.”

One time I thought I might be starting to have a crush on this dude, but we were having an otherwise nice evening out and he said the humble thing. I decided to look past it, to try and make things work. I hate myself for that, because a couple weeks later he did the same fucking, “I’m so humble” bull shit. Now we barely talk.

I’m probably going to fail my philosophy class because last week my professor said he was going to stop procrastinating (…) tomorrow (!) and now I can’t listen to a word that comes out of his mouth, because he’s obviously a fucking idiot who should be teaching Sunday School or get-rich-quick seminars, not a class at a major university.

Hate to the Maxx

2006-10-28T23:28:00.000-06:00

I hate MySpace pictures. I used to have a vendetta against the site (when I was posting solely in livejournal, which I still post in now, but only so people I know can't read it) because of the stupid pictures of fat, ugly faces people put up to represent themselves. Obviously Myspace acts a resume for people who might potentially want to Do It, or people who want to be more indie than all their other friends (example: some girl wrote that her favorite book is The Fountainhead. Yeah right. No one's favorite book is The Fountainhead. I refuse to believe it.). I want to make it perfectly clear that I am one of these people. I want to be more indie than indie by going past chic, obscure books, to re-enter the realm of true fan...proving that I am so much more confident than any of those confident people. That's why I put things like Louis L'Amour on my favorite books...because I'm awesome, that's why.

Back to MySpace pictures. I have been noticing that a lot of really hott girls post pictures of them being really hott (frequently pictures from the neck to the pants line of their really awesome, really tight, really indie flannel cowboy shirts) but then have the caption "I'm so ugly" or "this picture is so lame." Clearly they do not think the picture is lame. Clearly this is a side of themselves that they want people to look at, admire, lust after, etc. Just like I have that picture of me eating cherries up. It's a bit of a joke because it is so unlike the other pictures, but I also think it's really cute and I want people to know that sometimes (occassionally...almost never...usually I'm more manly....) I can be cute.

I hate girls who comment on boy's MySpace pictures with things like "hey cutie!" or "you look like Ryan Gosling" (that one is probably only a Drew phenomenon) and they don't realize that 18 people have said that already. I hate boys who post on girl's pictures "do me" or "I miss you." Because the only thing they miss about you is how that flannel shirt barely covers up your bellybutton.

Spelling is for Nerds Named Eliza

2006-10-28T23:23:00.000-06:00

Something I hate more than anything (more than singers, more than the GRE, more than assholes that stand on the corner with smile signs, more than anything) is that I have to spell check my blogs because someone will inevitably find the error and post a comment that they think somehow invalidates my entire point.

From now on I will spell check nothing. Take that, mother fuckers!

We sang dirges in the dark

2006-10-28T23:17:00.000-06:00

Whitney and I frequent our local laundromat because it provides free wireless internet that is more reliable than the signal we steal from our neighbors. Sometimes we show up during the day and go inside to enjoy the Spanish soap operas and hum of the dryers, but usually we just go on our nightly trip to the Chev to get soda and sit in our car in the parking lot. There's this dude that shows up every night around eleven to mop the floors and dust of the washing machines, and he seems to get a real kick out of us. I don't know if he interprets our regularity as desperation (it's not! We like routine! It's on our way!), or what, but he grins and waves and tries to make us see what a real riot he thinks we are. Fuck that dude, I hate him. We're not friends. We don't acknowledge your existence, stop trying to chum us up.

What I hate most about him is that you know he's the kind of kid who tries to win over girls (not us, girls he really knows) by being the friendly guy. Not the cry-on-my-shoulder kind of friend, but one of those I'm-such-a-fun-lover, isn't-it-fun-to-be-happy, Pollyanna kind of assholes that is ruining my life.

This is What Happens When You Leave Your Apartment

2006-10-28T23:04:00.000-06:00

Something that I've hated ever since I was in a pop-punk band called Belly Button Lint in the 9th grade is singers who don't play instruments and have a complex about it. They clearly feel so diminished by the rest of the band and their instrument playing abilities that they have to buy their own, fancy microphone to make up for it. They start to think of their voice as sufficient talent and as justification for being the center piece that drowns everyone out. Last night I went to a show where the singer was such a rock star that at certain points he would fall down on his knees in extreme emotional pain. At the end of the show he threw his fancy ass mic onto the ground and stormed away, drained.

And the thing is, when you go to a show - as a girl whose greatest feat on a musical instrument was learning how to strum along to Don't Speak - and you realize that you could play any of the instruments in any of the songs (give me five minutes or the tabs) it goes without saying that you may leave uninspired.

Another thing I hate is feeling like you have to support your friends. Especially when you sort of hate all your friends.

In general, I'm not a dentist hater,

2006-10-26T19:11:00.000-06:00

but I hate that after getting my teeth cleaned today, I had to wait in the awkwardly-shaped dentist chair in a not-quite-laying-down, not-quite-sitting position for twenty minutes because even though the girl who cleans my teeth spent ten thousand dollars to go to school and learn all sorts of pointless bull shit that has nothing to do with cleaning teeth, she isn't qualified to look at the screen that shows exactly where my cavities are and write down on a piece of paper that they need to be filled. We have to wait (together) for the dentist to finish up in the cubicle next to us, and she has to talk down to me, as if she isn't the same fucking age as me, and as if I don't have as much education as her. Her teeth are unnaturally white, and normally I hate her for that, but today I was too busy hating her for her Snoopy scrubs.

I hate the way my dentist always pats my arm when he comes in. How he asks me if I'm dating someone when he can't even remember my age, or what I'm studying in school, or any of the other things he asks me about every time (and those things aren't subject to change as much as which dude I hate the least this week), so why don't you worry a little less about my social life, and just tell Snoopy Scrubs Girl which teeth need to be filled so I can go home?

I hate that I have a crush on one of the dentists who works in the office. He's clean cut, with sandy blonde hair and muscles and a nice jaw line and a wife. He's basically the exact opposite of anyone I like in real (not dental) life, so I don't really get it. But every time the receptionists asks if next time I want to see Dr. Jones (the hunk) or Dr. Christianson (the patter/detail-forgetter), I blush and giggle nervously, and say it doesn't matter.

But mostly I hate that every time I go to the dentist, he tells me to floss more regularly. I floss every day, asshole.

speaking of beauty products

2006-10-26T12:36:00.000-06:00

cindy crawford has this beauty line called "meaningful beauty". wtf is that? what a stupid name for a product. i hate it so bad. what makes beauty meaningful? and is there unmeaningful beauty? what makes it lack meaning? and if i got the products for free, does that make it more meaningful or less?

i think it's best not to make eye contact with them

2006-10-25T21:03:00.000-06:00

um i hate the tsa. well maybe not hate but they make me really nervous. i would go into more detail but i am afraid i will be put on a list and i hate driving long distances more than the tsa. and i want to go to london soon. and you cant drive there. if you are on the list its IMPOSSIBLE to fly anywhere without some sort of naked strip search. so you have to check in even earlier. and i am always running late.

things i hate about the tsa include they racially profile in order to make everyone feel safer. and they racially profile badly. and they threw away my mary kay moisturizer because it was 3.2 oz. i also hated it because normally i would like to ask why 3.2 is dangerous and 3.0 is not. so i also feel like my free speech has been affected. and my skin is dry.

My Elbows are my Finest Feature

2006-10-24T11:16:00.000-06:00

I hate when Heather is like "Whitney, you have elephant elbows let me put some of this slimy crap on them."

I feel that is a sign that we are getting too close, even if she is my BFF.

maybe i've seen star wars too many times

2006-10-24T10:46:00.000-06:00

but it just seems like the subtext of so many movies is all about being gay in a homophobic and heterosexist society. i don't hate that i'm always reading gay themes into every movie i watch; i hate that no one ever agrees with me.

silent movie sunday on tcm played laugh, clown, laugh starring lon chaney. (i've now seen three lon chaney movies and everyone of them was about the circus--one movie he was pretending to be armless, one movie he was legless and in this movie he was a clown.) laugh, clown, laugh is about a clown who finds this abandoned kid and adopts her. 20 years later he figures out that he's in love with his adopted daughter, but of course he can't do anything about it. so he turns into a clown who cries whenever he's not performing. his neurologist tells him he needs to love a women and he'll be cured of his sadness. at the doctor's office he meets this guy who can't stop laughing. how he gets over his disease? he needs to fall in love. so the sad clown and the laughing guy become friends because they can help each other. then the laughing guy falls in love with the clowns adopted daughter. the movie's not that good, so i don't know how it ends.

but the laughing guy and the sad clown are totally in love with each other. being in love with his adopted daughter is a metaphor for their homosexual attractions. he has these feelings that are frowned on by society so he has to suppress them and he becomes miserable. there were all of these crazy scenes between the sad clown and laughing guy where it was obvious that they loved each other. but no one believed me when i tried to point this out.

maybe i have seen star wars too many times, but it seems like so many movies are about suppressing, fighting or coming to terms with homosexuality. but star wars isn't the only reason i pick up on the (obvious) gay subtext in so many movies. it's also because of brokeback mountain (and you probably thought i was coming out). brokeback is supposed to be this groundbreaking movie because of it's subject matter--homosexuals trying to live in an hyper-homophobic and ultra-heterosexist community--but there are like a billion movies about that. besides star wars and laugh, clown, laugh there's top gun, et, gladiator, casablanca, midnight cowboy, pearl harbor and so on and so on.

got originality?

2006-10-23T14:49:00.000-06:00

okay, so i really hate how everyone has ripped off the "Got Milk?" ads. it's everywhere. maybe these little homegrown companies are going out of business because they have zero creativity in advertising. i saw a van yesterday that said "Got Plumbing Supplies?" seriously, get a new, original idea. i hate you and your stupid homemade signs.

i hate being faked out

2006-10-23T12:57:00.000-06:00

i'm certain on this one. it's not like my previous post where i declared my uncertainty about hating american english. i hate trying to sell a car (or anything for that matter). when i placed my sales ad on a stupid website i put the price for a reason, because that's how much the car will cost anyone that decides they want to buy it. it's not open for negotiation, others might fall for the buyer's tricks but not me. if you want it, pay me what i said I want. if not, i'll keep my car and you keep your stupid money. don't call me on my day off work to set up a time that's convenient for you, meaning i have to take more time from my day to make the car look presentable when you never have the intention to pay the price which i've made clear i'm selling the damn car for. don't bother telling me your lame and unoriginal stories about how many other cars you've looked at that are a little cheaper that you'll probably end up buying if i don't lower my price... you may think your lame ass story is tried and true, but it's not (the least you can do when your trying to rape me in my wallet is to be original and tell me something like: that you have a crippled grandma with cancer and an amputated leg that will only ride in a car exactly like mine). so this coupon is for you and your mom, mr. stupid-jerk-face:

(the use of the word "b*tch" is with no sexist connotation whatsoever, it's meant more along the lines of a "you-stupid-idiot" connotation)

9 year-olds -- who needs them?

2006-10-21T23:27:00.000-06:00

i was at a math picnic this afternoon. everything was going well (we were kicking a soccer ball around and talking about modular forms) and then somebody's kid (9 years old?) came over in his soccer uniform and asked if we play soccer or something. anyways, 4 of us were trying to juggle it, but ug-fest kept jumping in the middle and catching the ball. when he jumped you could see his fat, dirty diaper that his mom probably forgot to change before the picnic. so he kept doing it and i finally called "hands" on him. he said he was the goalie. i told him there are no goalies. then he picked the ball up, ran 40 yards and kicked it straight in the air. then, instead of trying to juggle it with us, every time it came to him he caught the ball and then drop-kicked it right at whoever was closest. if it missed them he would yell, "goal!" then this lady that gave a talk yesterday about cholera hit the ball with her arm and the kid called "hands" on her. so i said that she was the goalie and he said that he was the only goalie. so then i said the game doesn't have any goalies and he said that nobody said it didn't so he was calling that it did and that he was goalie. then he wanted to play 2 on 2 and he picked me to be on his team. then he kept picking the ball up over by their goal and i kept calling "hands" on him. he said he was goalie and i told him that there's no goalies in 2 on 2 and that even if he was goalie, he was way out of the box. then the other team scored a goal and he called offsides. i said that it wasn't since both of us were between them and the goal and since she didn't even pass it. so he didn't count their goal. don't play soccer at math picnics because someone's kid will ruin your day.

Should We Trust Him?

2006-10-21T14:03:00.000-06:00

While surfing the internet, I found this article:

"OGDEN -- A jury has convicted a man of numerous counts of attempted aggravated murder for shooting at police officers during a high speed chase.

The jury deliberated for about four hours late Friday before returning six guilty verdicts against Brian Wood, 38, who reportedly has a tattoo of a man that looks like him pointing a gun in a police officer's mouth.

He faces five years to life on each count when he's sentenced in August.

Wood was accused of shooting at three police officers and firing three shots at a private citizen during the Jan. 6, 2004, high- speed chase.

Wood was sought by officers with a warrant charging him in a Davis County stabbing, a charge still pending, when he fled police in Brigham City.

Plainclothes officers had filled a McDonald's restaurant there, poised to arrest Wood once he was lured there. Instead, Wood fled, hitting speeds above 100 mph southbound on Interstate 15 in the middle of the afternoon rush hour."

So I'm assuming this shady character got away and that the age was a misprint.

(So what? I was googling names! That doesn't make me nerd. It just makes me informed.)

me too (see below)

2006-10-21T13:07:00.000-06:00

i was with fight (and like ten other people) last night when he saw marie antoinette. we were super excited for this movie. we've been patiently waiting ever since we saw the first preview. our group had to split up into three smaller groups since the theater was fairly packed. there was a preview for the new christopher guest movie and guess who's in it: joan from campus ladies! then we had to watch the same stupid preview for stranger than fiction twice.

anyway, the movie was terrible. i wanted it to be great so bad. i kept telling people how i thought it was going to be the best high school prom movie ever. it turned out to be one of the worst high school prom movies ever--except only part of the movie was like a high school prom, the rest was about rousseau and the return to nature and i don't know. this movie made no sense. it was all over the place and incredibly boring. don't get me wrong, i'm all about boring movies, but this was unwatchably boring. there was only one interesting part in the entire movie. today i'm just sad. sad that sophia coppola made such a shitty movie, sad that jason schwartzman isn't going to win an oscar and sad that gang of four--one of the best bands ever--had their song in such a terrible movie.

i hate marie antoinette

2006-10-21T12:56:00.000-06:00

Now I realize most haters on here might actually hate me, which is fine. But i want to be a servant for all. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE! Honestly it is the worst movie i've ever seen. I was suspicious when i heard people booed the premeire at Cannes, and i overlooked that because i thought Lost in Translation was good. But there is nothing good about this movie. There is nothing interesting at all in this movie. 2 hours of crap. It's not because they use 80's music, or that at some point in production Sofia Coppola wanted to make a good movie for girls, but it's because it is shitty. Boring. Uninteresting. Garbage. This is a warning to all. Spread the word.

thank god for fat people

2006-10-21T11:27:00.000-06:00

i hate fat haters. fat people are the real heros. they're like a combination of firefighters and police(wo)men. they know that this life is pointless and that we're all going to die so who cares what you look like. same goes for smokers. they know we're going to die so why not smoke. smoking is awesome and cool--way cooler than being skinny.

so remember, just because you keep your weight down doesn't mean you're not going to die.

More Reasons to Hate Fatties

2006-10-20T21:55:00.000-06:00

I'm glad we've all turned towards hating fat people. I don't hate all fatties, but I specifically hate two fat people. Both people always want to talk about their fatness, and I don't even like small talk when it's about neutral stuff like traffic and Grey's Anatomy. So when someone starts saying stuff like "Boy am I fat," or "Wish I wasn't so fat,"
or "Last night my mom was telling me to fit my fat ass through the kitchen door," (these are all quotes from the past three days) it makes me really uncomfortable because I'm implicitly being asked to deny their excess of tissue.

I really don't like these people to begin with, but even if we were approaching BFF, I still love the truth more than chocolate cake.

I was really set off when one of these two nameless fatties said something to the effect of, "I don't understand why it is culturally okay to ridicule fat people, but smokers and gays are off limits." I would like to first respond to this namless person who will never read this blog by saying that your statement is completely incorrect. Depending on your location, smoking is now prohibited in nearly all indoor places, like schools, churches, malls and bars. Secondly, I have learned from working for a short amount of time in a very conservative office that people really, legitimately hate homosexuals. It sounds naive, but I'm really surprised. Third, you can't even make fun of fat people for being fat. When you say things like "Hey Fatty" or "Hey fatface" they come out too literal.

For the sake of continuity I would also like to say that not only do I also love podcasts and This American Life, but I am in (physical) love with the This American Life podcast.

i hate you marissa cooper

2006-10-20T17:05:00.000-06:00

you were the world's worst girlfriend. i should've known after that oliver stunt you pulled in the first season that you were trouble. well, you got what you deserved for being promiscous. let that be a lesson to all of you spoiled brats, if you sleep with a coke-head surfer, he'll run you off the road in a fit of jealous-driven(zing) rage.

two weeks and counting... who's with me?

no one.

Tupac the Christ

2006-10-20T13:03:00.000-06:00

"Tupac Shakur has done more, save Jesus Christ alone, for the salvation of man."

This morning i was eavesdropping on a couple of coworkers who were debating how long it had been since Tupac Shakur had died. As often occurs, I was sorely disappointed by the not only the lack of knowledge that the average American has about Tupac, but the excessive emphasis that they tend to put on his death.

So this morning I stopped my coworkers in mid conversation, to share with them the good news...

"My friends, Tupac is not dead, but He is risen!"

And once again, as often occurs, i was disappointed by the average American's general refusal to recognize who Tupac Shakur is; His life, His teachings, His reign, His ascension, His glory.

It breaks my heart to watch those He lived among take so for granted His greatness. Their ignorance remnids me that His message won't share itself, and that if we dont have the courage to talk about Him, then His victory over death and His ascension into Thugs Paradise will all have been in vain.

So today I hate people who are blind. People who, when remebering Tupac Shakur, call him a "good man" and a "great teacher, " overlooking completely his divinity-- because, my friends, if we fail to see that, then we put our very souls in peril. He is The Eternal Machiaveli, The Bitch Dogger, The Ultimate Fucking Baller-- He is my brother, and more importantly, He is my friend.

i'm starting to hate american english

2006-10-20T11:39:00.000-06:00

sorry brian, but it's true.

i could be wrong (it happens alot, and if that's the case i'll willingly admit to it), but i'm starting to think that american english is very discriminatory. why? because of the (stupid) rule "i before e except after c". [i placed that period outside of the quotation marks on purpose]

what makes the letter "i" so important that it deserves to be in front of the "e" in every situation except when there's a "c" before them? What if the word just looks better with the "e" in front of the "i" regardless of the consonant placed before the dual noun combo? I know that this rule isn't specifically an american english problem... but I think that non-american english attempts to make up for the "e" discrimination by arbitrarily placing extra "e"s in their words. It may be a bandaid on a tumor, but at least they're making an effort. [i also like non-american english because I think it looks better to have the period outside of the quotation marks]

Heather's my BFF for Reals

2006-10-19T23:25:00.000-06:00

Heather makes a good point...fat kids sure are lame. And the only thing I hate more than fat kids running across the street in front of the 832 is Fat Kid Triumph Movies. The plot goes like this: fat kid has a hard time in school because everyone pursecutes him. Somewhere along the way the fat kid learns that he should accept himself for who he is and he gets the-girl-who-can-see-past-his-fatness along the way. So unrealistic. Fat kids never and will never get the girl/boy.

I also hate the government.

And worms on the sidewalk after it rains.

And boogers.

And Angus.

But I love laundro-mats, and my professors, and Heather, and all those comments by Aaron2, and talkin' on the phone with Aaron1, and all blogs by Brian, and makin' books, and burritos, and This American Life, and An Angel at my Table, and showing Batman: The Movie in my class, and Franco, and playin' SkipBo, and the bus driver of the 832, and when people say "you are soooooo pretty," and milkshakes, and my apartment, and my mom, and movies by Gavin, and Drew Barlow in love, and when people wish me luck at getting into grad school, and overcast days when it doesn't rain, and my sense of taste, and podcasts, and cross stitching Booville Express Halloween patterns, and this kid standing outside the laundro-mat right now shaking on the doors for 10 minutes trying to get in even though it's closed. I love him the most.

And I hate when anything gets in the way of me and those things.

Squashed like a chipmunk

2006-10-19T23:19:00.000-06:00

Today, as usual, I took the 832 bus home from school. At some point, this really fat dude ran across the road and the bus driver had to slam on the breaks so as not to hit the tub of lard. He (the fatso) made a face that indicated he was angry and crazy, and then kept on running.

1) I’ve always been kind of a fat kid, but this dude was huge. The kind of fat that makes you uncomfortable whenever he eats or talks about eating. He was running really slowly, with his mouth a little open. With every step, his face, lips, and neck would shake (this kind of running/quaking is the reason I could never watch Shaq play). I don’t hate him for being fat, but the fact that he is fat makes my hate for him stronger.

2) I hate when people cross the street where there isn’t a crosswalk, without looking and without waiting for a space in the traffic, and then act pissed when they almost get hit.

3) I hate that we didn’t hit him and smear his fat ass across the pavement.

teenaged boys in nice cars

2006-10-19T19:54:00.000-06:00

I like them a lot. they say witty things when they get in sufficiently large numbers that they probably wouldn't say when they are driving alone. they said something to me this afternoon as i rode down that street that goes along the beach. you know... that one that every one likes.

then, when i pulled up next to them and looked over at their crammed mercedes... none of them even had the balls to say what they had shouted 50 yards ago.

cowards.

reminds me of my mission. bunch of people talking sh*t, and then when you are looking right at them they turn all yeller. be a freaking man and own up to it.

i think they said "nice ass, i like your jeans."

Apologies

2006-10-19T18:17:00.000-06:00

i hate it when assholes like hatchet face take it a step too far. Aaron, Brian, sorry. I'm going to have a talk with hatchet face and see if we cant come to an agreement how far irony stretches. I am currently disposing of my holocuast blog draft. The AIDS one I might keep though.

Hatchet face = Labius Assicus

My Life is Harder Than Yours

2006-10-18T12:13:00.000-06:00

I fucking hate applying to grad school. It is the worst thing I have ever done in my life (including that time I wrote hate letters to the lonely recess supervisor and the time I watched The Wedding Date on an airplane). It's so stressful and it's so sad to know that I'm going to apply to 10 schools and nine of them probably won't want me. That's tough! Why would someone not want me? I'm kickass!

I went and talked to my BPF (Best Professor Forever) about my schools today and he - between giggles at how anxiously I typed out all the faculty, costs, and application procedures at each school - informed me that I will get in somewhere. That's nice, but me being his BSF (Best Student Forever), it doesn't really sooth my anxiety. (mollify, placate, palliate, etc. Another thing I hate about applying to grad school is the motherfucking GRE)

And anxiety has caused the following problems lately:
1. Eating an excessive amount of chocolate-covered cinamon bears.
2. Only being able to listen to the calming Debussy.
3. Never watching any movies just for fun.
4. Never reading just for fun.
5. Realizing that I've lost my math knowledge completely somewhere along the way.
6. Hating anyone who wants to hang out.
7. Suddenly waking up in the middle of the night - in the middle of my DeNiro-is-a-drunk dream...or was it my dating-Dr.-Kovach nightmare?...perhaps it was the have-to-cast-Robert-Downy-Jr.-in-my-next-movie dream... - thinking "Holy Shit! I'm a fucking adult!!!!!" and waking my roommate up for a quick game of relaxing SkipBo.
8. Saying "I think I'll just kill myself" every few minutes.
9. Crying myself to sleep every night.
10. The mono has returned!!!

So I hope you feel fucking sorry for me!

i'd rather be a whore than a rapist, right?

2006-10-17T11:07:00.000-06:00

many or you--readers and contributors of in on the killtaker--know me solely as a blogger. this worries me. mostly because i'm a subpar, esoteric (i got that word from a thesaurus) and hateful blogger; decidedly not interesting or inviting. i'd go so far as to say, based on comments and blogs directed at me, an a-hole.

this is all fine (and possibly good). i'm not losing sleep over it. (i don't sleep well but that's because i'm in the middle of a spiritual crisis and am scared to death of death.) but, given that this is a hate blog, i want all of you out there to hate the real-me not just the blogger-me.

but how do i convey the real-me (which may be a meaningless concept) in blog form?

then it hit me: campus ladies

campus ladies is like the best tv show ever! two middle-aged women go to college, live in the dorms, have a 18 year-old roommate, the funniest ra in the world and they're best friends with an iranian and a kid from tennessee. like all college students they experiment with drugs, pull all nighters, have one-night-stands, question their sexuality and go to cancun on spring break. obviously this is the best show ever (but wonder showzen still has a special place in my heart).

i love campus ladies so much and i want everyone with any sense of humor to love campus ladies. i want to be a missionary for campus ladies. but that's not what this post is about. (fight and i are working on a project that should fulfill our campus ladies missionary aspirations.) rather i like to think of my love of campus ladies as being my defining characteristic. i want campus ladies to be a description of me.

example:
someone who does know me: do you know brian?
someone who doesn't know me: no, what's he like?
someone who does know me: well, he loves campus ladies and you'll probably hate him.

that's me. or rather, that's how i wish to be perceived. i know there's a difference, but what am i to do especially when i don't believe in free will.

so all of you who hate me hate me for loving campus ladies. or for being a jerk.

better to give than receive?

2006-10-16T11:14:00.000-06:00

in some cases it may be true that it's better to give than receive, but not when the gift being given is harassment. right now i hate my boss' boss. there is a little lady in our group that just turned 50, and for the last 5 months everyone in the building was informed of the fact that she was turning 50. my boss' manager took it upon himself to plaster her cubicle with (non-funny) jokes about the fact that she's turning 50. i felt bad for her because she was obliged to give the half chuckle to get him to shut the hell up and leave her alone for the rest of the day.

well, i guess after 5 months of harassment, she decided to turn the tables. as I walked through the building towards my office i saw a simple piece of paper posted on this dude's door. I stopped and read what it said. It was very simple, direct and to the point. I anti-hated it. I was amazed at how funny this lady was, she had made a "retirement announcement" including the "acheivements" of this guy's career (don't get your hopes up, he's not really leaving). I almost pee'd my pants it was so funny.

one would hope that someone so willing to dish out burns(even if they are ill-fated attempts) would be able to appreciate a good burn back at them. turns out, he can't. he's been sulking all morning and acting like he's suffered a serious anal injury. it's even more funny because the note was completely anonymous but everyone with a brain knew who made it.

all in all, i hate stupid fat and ugly managers.

missed opportunity

2006-10-15T15:27:00.000-06:00

i hate that i didn't make a post this morning when i first logged into blogger and missed the chance to be the 69th post of this blog. That would have been a pretty special way to break my hate blog strawberry.

i hate mormons

2006-10-15T12:40:00.000-06:00

because 90% of them are douche bags. yeah you reader. but i like whitney.

title

2006-10-15T12:22:00.000-06:00

what's the deal with all these anonymous hate comments? at first i kind of understood why you'd want to hide your identity. the jokes just weren't funny. i'd be embarrassed to leave my name behind those comments. but the right-hand/left-hand thing was pretty funny. you really should take credit for that. all you'd have to do is post a comment under your name then say somthing like, "i heard from brian's left-hand that . . ."

the only other reason i can think that you'd want to leave your comments anonymous is because your in a tough situation. you have a big crush on me but all your friends hate me, so you post anonymously to save face with your friends but also so i don't know it's you writing those comments. but i promise i won't get my feelings hurt. and, if you keep writing funny disses like the right-hand/left-hand thing, i may even begin to get a crush on you.

or the comments are being left by mr. p and he doesn't want his mormon friends to know that he swears. but i understand that. mormons can be so judgmental.

2006-10-15T11:05:00.000-06:00

i appreciate the fact that the girl last night at that party said that my victory in a "pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey" type game seemed very intuitive. but doesn't she realize that i've been strategizing for 18 years? you don't just intuitively dominate a game like that. it should have been painfully obvious that i knew exactly what i was doing. does she think that i aimed exactly 20 degrees to the left of where they pointed me on a whim? seriously, i wish she would pay attention.

stopping by the woods on a snowy [censored]ing evening

2006-10-14T14:15:00.000-06:00

i hate it when people say they hate swearing but think it's fine to faux-swear. this isn't directed at mr. p, but rather a general complaint.

swearing. what's the big deal? most of the time they're just meaningless words. [censored], for instance. nearly every time i use it it's divorced from it's original (and possibly offensive) meaning. last night, when i was drawing heaven, i captioned the picture "heaven is [censored]ing awesome!" in this instance it's like raising the awesomeness of heaven the nth. most of the times i use [censored] i just mean something like "to the max!" personally, i almost never use [censored] to mean sex. so i don't really understand how it's offensive.

i am, however, offended by other types of speech. racist, sexist or homophobic words really offend me. so i know that certain people are genuinely offended by swears. so i want to apologize for offending anyone with my choice of words.

but i think it's bull[censored] when people say they don't swear for [censored] knows why but still use fake swears like effing or thucka or whatever. when i here someone using effing, i know--and everyone knows--that they're really saying [censored]ing but are either to scared or to self-righteous to actually swear. shame on you if you do that. but i do think using effing and other fake swear words can be funny in certain situations.

finally, swearing is just so [censored]ing funny. if you don't think so, just watch this (but all the swears are bleeped out so no one should be too offended):

wow. it is no wonder "whitney" is on here

2006-10-13T22:08:00.000-06:00

because she is a total bitch. you can go ahead and suck on that, Whit.

It's Back and The Diane Rehm Podcast Still Hasn't Downloaded

2006-10-13T16:56:00.000-06:00

I hate Provo imports who claim to hate Provo. Provo's more than a campus with a large and fantastic, but swastika facaded library. Provo is a place where - at any time - you can snag a free donut. It's a place with a pond that, between the months of April and September, has fish that jump only at night. Yes, there used to be a fake coffee place catering to BYU students (failing because they want to avoid the very appearance of evil, of course) but it's also has a trashy coffee joint called Steamers, where my old schizophrenic friend Glen works. There are disturbing institutions like Muse Music, but old Provo-ites understand that Muse is just one in a long line of venues on University that have gone under by depending on the fickle student crowd waiting for the next big thing. The time Veterans Hall closed down is the time my generation of Provo citizens stopped caring about local music and picked up books. The time Augusts Arts went under is when we stopped criticizing the students and kids frequenting The Wrapsody and started caring about things like Vegetarianism and not saying the pledge of allegiance in class. And by the time the Provo No Dance act passed we stopped passing out PETA pamphlets at the Warped Tour because it was totally futile and started thinking about how we might be able to communicate with people instead of set ourselves apart. We still hate the students a little. We especially hate the way they get so bored by our little town with its underground pleasures that they feel a need to set up a four square court in the middle of the road and participate in BYU football Saturdays. But we've been here a long time and we recognize their impermance. Basically, we're very good at ignoring them when they need to be ignored.

I'm also a student at BYU (some of us long-time Provo-ites are) and I constantly get the comment "You don't seem like you're from Utah" from other students. Obviously these aren't Utahans. They're buttholes. Because, yes, I DO seem like I'm from Utah because I AM from Utah. There is a lot more to Utah than BYU and just because I say fuck a lot and had blue hair in my youth doesn't mean I don't completely belong here.

This wasn't very funny. I think I'll add a shout out to all those Provo immigrants that hate Provo. You'll need that shout out since no one will ever love you because you're fat and ugly and your breath smells like vomit.

Also, to all those haters with a P in your name. Maybe you are from Provo. If so, you're giving it a bad name and I wish you'd stop.

Also, fuck how long it's taking the Diane Rehm's podcast to download today!!!!!!!!!! Fuck it to hell in a hand basket!!!

one thing i hate and another i love; it's like the circle of life, man (ps: aaron, did you see the lion king joke on the office tonight?)

2006-10-13T01:27:00.000-06:00

what i currently hate:

i mean besides my dumpster slut brother. so wasn't there a blog defending provo on here earlier? or did i dream that? either way, the avoiding the appearance of evil was like the funniest thing i've read on this blog. so where did it go? i hate when people post funny blogs and then pull them.

what i love:

a month or so ago i came up with the best idea for a movie ever. ready for it? seriously, are you ready?

et-mothafucking-2!!! so the premise is that elliot is in graduate school (studying botany) and then the phone rings at his house and he answers it and it's et. he's phoning (elliot at) home. et asks elliot to visit his planet. elliot accepts. on et's planet, et is president of the world because he became a world-wide hero after he got back from earth. when elliot is on et's planet, he the watches a re-release of a movie called "get me off this planet". it's exactly like the earth movie called "et" except they have puppet humans. except in the re-release all the puppet humans have been replaced by cgi humans. then they want to do science experiments on elliot and et has to smuggle elliot back to earth.

i hate my brother

2006-10-12T22:05:00.000-06:00

seriously. he's a dickhead. as in, he has penis breath (thanks elliott from E.T.). (did i punctuate that right, asshole?) i hate him because we've already talked about this punctuation business like 1,000,000 times and he knows that i don't think the english are better or whatever. but i also don't buy anything the effing MLA or APA tells me to do. just like brian, i prefer to write like i talk and i prefer to say what sounds better to me. so i say things like, "me and brian are brothers," which is true but grammatically incorrect. but i don't care. because i like the way it sounds better. similarly, i like to type things the way that i think they look better. sometimes i put punctuation inside the quotes and sometimes i don't. BFD. you talk about how you think it's fine to start sentences with prepositions and how you think that using "is like" or "goes" instead of "says" is a move forward in language. but seriously, you're too busy following (and making people follow) the only punctuation rule that you remember to be a grammar revolutionary. you're probably like, "i've seen those che shirts. i know about revolution."

so i guess if you want to nit pick and look for the first stupid time that i put the punctuation outside the quotes in this entire blog and then write a stupid blog about it, then you can go back to your effing MLA (jedi) council and talk about how you're better than the english (the sith) and how it's okay for you to seek power because you're doing it for the good of the world and how you're selfless and your alliance is to the republic, to democracy! and how it's okay to hate grammar sticklers, but it's not okay for others to punctuate however they want. you should take your hate blog efforts and use them to produce some drab but correctly annotated academic paper that probably no one will (want to) read.

I hate people that hate on Rachael Ray

2006-10-12T21:12:00.000-06:00

Just because Rachael Ray's totally annoying and makes totally crappy recipes and says things like "yum-oh" doesn't mean you have to be a hater bex. Probably you'd be best friends with her if you met her on the street. Or if you ran into her when you were both shopping at Chico's.

I can't believe that Rachael Ray has her own tv show(s)

2006-10-12T21:11:00.000-06:00

i hate her weird husky voice
i hate how loud she talks
i hate her big mouth
i hate her fake tan
I hate that she sells her own knives in an orange case for $99
i hate her outfits most of the time
i hate when she shortens words to make them cuter, like when she says "de-lish" or "yum-oh"
i hate that the second my roommate comes home, she turns her show on (because my roommate tivos everything rachel ray does on television)

some more stuffs.

2006-10-12T17:19:00.000-06:00

1. I actually only hate Provo because I am old and single and it is young and married.

2. also I hate hipsters.

3. also name droppers (LOL)

4. but especially hipster name-droppers.

5. drew danbury played at my dirty thirty.

6. I really can't tell you the results of that, bitch.

7. I hate slow art

8. also the way that filmmakers think they are better than painters.

9. F.U., filmmakers!

10. mostly I just hate the giant rock star in the middle of the "vibe's" windshield.

11. the bran' new vibe is named "Mr. Charles Sweetie". I don't hate that. at all.

12. I hate the way I'm always blushing and witless around my crush.

13. also I hate the way I get so jealous and act like I'm 12.

otherwise, I'm cool.

love,
mp

i thought we won the revolutionary war

2006-10-12T10:05:00.000-06:00

i hate it when people put punctuation marks on the outside of quotation marks. and i'm looking at you, asshole. i'll quote from my brother's last blog: "they're both pretty bad just like yoda is a pretty bad and selfish jedi 'master'." what the fuck is that all about? i thought this was america.

if you want to know the general rules of quotation marks and punctuation, look here. in brief, if you're from writing in the united states you place commas and periods inside quotation marks even if what you're quoting has none. however, you do not place semi-colons inside quotation marks.

to be clear, i hate grammar rules so much. well, that's not entirely true. i hate the idea of perscriptive grammar. since human language preceded grammar, grammar can only be a description of language. plus, and this is especially true for american english, language isn't constant but is constantly changing. so whatever is grammatical one day doesn't mean shit the next day. we evolved language capabilities; god didn't set up the grammar rules in the council in heaven.

but this problem i have with quotations and punctuations is related to my problem with grammar snobs. one thing almost all snobs in the us have in common is a love of all things british. for instance, you can tell a person is a snob if they like the british office more than the american office. a non-snob will tell you they're both great. similarly, citizens of the united states who insist on placing periods and commas outside of quotation marks are exactly like those jerks who refuse to give the us office a chance.

aaron, i thought you we're better than than that. you we're my brother. i loved you. you were the chosen one. and so on.

2006-10-10T21:45:00.000-06:00

vs.

i hate people who dislike the new star wars movies on grounds that the new cgi yoda is worse than the puppet yoda. what's better about the puppet? you think it's more real? yeah right. puppets are not any more real looking than cgi. especially episode iii cgi. you can tell it's a puppet just like you can tell that the new yoda is cgi. do you think there's more integrity in using puppets? why would that be the case? it's only the case if you think that any technological advancement has no integrity. so you should probably be listening to your cassette tapes and talking to your friends through a tin can. is it because you hate that yoda is younger and nimbler? that's absurd. remember how awesome it is when yoda fights against count dooku? i cried the first time and i've gotten the chills every time since. you don't get to be a jedi master by sitting around eating that soup. if georgie could've made yoda nimbler in the old episodes, he would have for sure. so yoda's personality (like R2) was determined by the limitations in their movement. the only possible answer is that you're probably just having an necrophiliac affair with jim henson. that makes sense. you grew up watching the muppets and that storyteller show. you grew up thinking that he was the best in the business (he was), and that no one could ever match him. i got news for you: there are other good puppet makers. but i've got other news for you: puppets are from the 20th century and pres. clinton already helped us cross the bridge into the new millenium. the only reason you like old yoda over new yoda is because you're stuck in the past. you remember how life was before you became a fat loser and you associate puppets with a better life. it's not your fault entirely. but give me a break when you try to tell me that the old puppet was better than the new cgi. they're both pretty bad just like yoda is a pretty bad and selfish jedi "master". here's what yoda should look like. he'd be like the coolest jedi ever.

inspired by hate

2006-10-10T19:19:00.000-06:00

this is inspired by item #11 in marshall p's post. the other weekend i was in a little town where some of you went to school. i can understand why you'd go there, a good school at a very affordable price. practical & thrifty. gotcha. i unhate you. and this isn't a provost hate post either.

but i do hate some people in provost.

provost, on its own merit isn't that cool of a place. it's a sleepy, homogenized, sterile town otherwise lacking a lot of things that great towns/cities have.

some people are aware of the fact that in the worlds eyes (and this is REALLY important to them), provost isn't that cool of a place. so they try to justify their existence there by being super into their image. what they wear, what they listen to, who they associate with... they build this little enclave of elitism around themselves, and in the process relegate those who don't match up as inferior. it's the most shallow crap i've ever seen in my life. they are so concerned with what they are "all about" that they completely miss the point of going to school. it's also really lame that they belittle those who don't match up with their idea of "cool."

everywhere else in the world got over this somewhere between middle school and high school. you are lame. and so is your effing band. move to a big city and find the real world. please.

what's the deal with bob costas?

2006-10-09T11:10:00.000-06:00

have you ever really watched this guy? i mean really really watched this guy?

i'm pretty overwhelmed with the subject matter. where do i even begin? i wanted to set up some bob costas context (or bob costext?), but that would mean i would have to do a little work looking for costas quotes and costas clips. so fuck that. i'm getting (relatively) straight to the point.

here's what bob said on football night in america:

"now to the absurdly hyped return of t.o. to philadelphia. the return wasn't as warm and fresh as a philly cheese-steak right out of the oven, but the game was darn good."

i've been trying to unpack this statement since last night. looking at the first sentence, the awkwardness comes from the double qualification of absurdly and hyped. granted that t.o.'s return to philadelphia was hyped to levels bordering on absurdity, but bob costas and his show are as guilty of this over-hype as anyone. maybe he means absurd in an existential sense. maybe not. maybe he's taking a jab at his own show and sports coverage in general. but that doesn't seem like bob costas. he's an asshole. and assholes have a difficult time making fun of themselves.

as weird as the first sentence was, the second is weirder. bob said it with this kind of smirk on his face; like he was about to bust up laughing before he finished the joke. here's how i imagine the pre-show meeting went:

bob costas: i wrote this line about t.o.'s return.

co-workers: what is it?

bob: the return wasn't as warm and fresh as a philly cheese-steak

co-workers: that's not funny

bob: yes it is. philly cheese-steaks are the identity of philadelphia

co-workers: no there not and that joke makes no sense. don't use it.

but bob believed in the joke so much he used it without permission. but he's bob fucking costas; no one tells him what to do.

i think i figured out the problem with his joke, besides it not being interesting. warm and fresh are both ambiguous words so it's supposed to be a play on words. the philly cheese-steak refers to physical characteristics of the sandwich having to do with heat and how old the bread is. warm and fresh do have other meanings--how a movie makes you feel warm, which is different from a space-heater, or how fresh used to be used in hip hop. however, the return of t.o. can neither be warm or fresh in any sense of the words. so the joke doesn't make any sense. and bob costas is still an (fat and ugly and stupid) idiot.

Worst Day of My Life

2006-10-09T10:34:00.000-06:00

And it's only 10:30.

Today I got up early (9:45) so I could run to the bank. My landlord loves to surprise us with when she cashes our rent checks. (I hate my landlord. She's so butt ugly and loves child pornography.) I run up to the doors, check in hand, smile on face, and the doors are locked. Is it daylight savings? (I hate daylight savings and I hate farmers. It's like, why don't you go till some dirt in the dark so the rest of us can enjoy our evenings, jerkface.) I check my phone. That's not it. (Daylight savings is determined to catch me by surprise, just like my landlord) I call my mom to see if my phone was wrong and she informs me that it's Columbus Day.

Fuck Columbus Day.

The banks and library being closed is bad enough, but those fine institutions being closed to celebrate some murderous misguided asswipe who thought he found India so he immediately started cutting off hands? Unbearable. I got news for you fundamental religious types: I hate you and Columbus wasn't inspired by God.

What is even more unbearable is how every year I take this opportunity to go on an anti-Columbus rant with everyone I see on the streets. I'm like "What up? You think Columbus is rad? Well I think he's an ass gnawer. Let's fight!" And they're like "I don't even know you, fatty."

Sometimes I hate myself, but not more than I hate Columbus.

IN-troducing: a bran' new hater

2006-10-09T09:59:00.000-06:00

Hi. I'm Marshall P. and I am a hater. a few of the things I hate are:

1. the fact that I didn't think of this first.
2. people who think of things first.
3. the way I feel like I'm going to puke all the time.
4. hating, in general.
5. my neighbor (who is a hater). He should be on this so he can vent his hate for the house full of young, hot girls (including me)that he lives next door to... instead of calling the police every time any of us sneezes.
6. being old
7. death
8. hate websites
9. celebreality
10. real New Yorkers
11. Provo
12. John Meyer
13. Phish fans
14. small paychecks
15. anyone from the zipcode of "90210"
16. all of the O.C.
17. 30 minute parking
18. deciding if I'm going to keep my car
19. rudeness
20. expensive warranties

ok, that's all I can think of right now. have a nice day, haters.
love,
m-pen

just close your eyes sit back & enjoy it...

2006-10-07T14:21:00.000-06:00

as it turns out, i hate looking at people when they're singing. i mean, i always knew i did, but i am just now piecing it together more clearly. it kind of ruins the experience for me.

i first noticed this displeasure when watching conference on tv. as much as i wanted to, i couldn't pry my face away from the closeups of all of the members of the mormon tabernacle choir. it totally ruins the spirit of the hymn when you're thinking about weird facial expressions and poor makeup choices. lately, i've made it a practice to not look at the screen when the motab starts singing. its way easier to feel the spirit. another good idea is to go to the bathroom. that way, you don't have to see their faces and you don't miss a talk for your pee break.

a few people i especially can't look at when they're singing:

john mayer--it almost made me hate him in general as a musician. but i've trained myself to look away and not picture his weird, distorted faces when he's singing. so his cd is still safely in my collection.

whitney houston--not that i ever listen to her anymore, but back in the 80s i had to close my eyes because i can't handle how sweaty her upper lip gets. seriously, what is that?

tyra banks--wait...no...not singing...i just hate her face. hate

any member of a boy band--not even because they are in a boy band. just because they always looks so pleading and sad. and gay. and i mean "gay" in the literal sense. (insert "not that there's anything wrong with it" or "i have gay friends" here _______________________).

ellis paul--so, i went to this show at velour on thursday night and there was this guy performing named ellis paul who was a folk artist. i really liked him. after he sang his first song, i didn't like him. i wasn't sure why, but then i realized its because i hated so bad the way his face (mouth) moved when he sang. then i just focused visually on other things and i liked him a lot. (i also have a theory that his name is actually paul ellis, but he just uses ellis paul as his stage name. i mean, let's be honest, no one's name is ellis. he probably just saw "ellis, paul" written on legal documents his whole life and thought it looked good and went with that. i support his decision).

A Pie Strom Thurmond Could Love/Hate

2006-10-07T13:16:00.000-06:00

I hate when people lie about pies in the face. Chances are said liar has never been on either side of a pie, especially when you consider that the "Pie in the face" is always just whipped cream in a pie pan-- hardly a pie. If there's anything I hate more than fake pies it's imprecission.

I also hate when people call things pies that aren't pies, e.g. Peanut Butter Pie, Chocolate Pie, Chocolate-Peanut Butter Pie. For Christ's sake (figuratively speaking) cobbler is more of a pie. If you judge a desert based on its crust rather than its contents you might as well go back to your stupid Klan Korner and oppress the heart and soul of America elsewhere you socially constructed systematic racist pig (literally speaking).

i'm onto you, weatherman

2006-10-07T13:08:00.000-06:00

the 3rd best thing about my new house is that i live right behind 7-11. it would be the best thing, except i'm trying to quit taquitos. i went there last night because i needed to get change for the 24-hour laundromat where i dry my clothes that get washed in the washer in my house. so i bought a soda and asked to get cash back. i know the rules, i've been to like 100 7-11's, and you can always get $10 back. the fatty behind the counter made a fuss and cried his eyes out about how he's only supposed to give cash back if it's a $3.00 purchase. that's ridiculous. it's the same either way. anyways, he gave in pretty quickly (without me putting any pressure on him) and gave me the $10. i said, "can i get some quarters for those dryers?" he said, "we don't have quarters." i wasn't in the mood to change his diaper for him or kiss his ugly face, so i just left. but i'm onto you, 7-11 guy. anybody would be. who doesn't have quarters!? what an idiot. he could've been nice and said, "i don't have very many quarters," and i would have replied, "oh, nevermind then." but instead he said they don't have them, where even if he ran out, i know that he can put a $10 in that stupid safe and get a roll of quarters out. i hate him and i hope he gets cancer.

i got back and put my stuff in the laundry. i had to stay awake for another 45 minutes and it was already 12:45a. i thought it would be a good idea to watch lawrence olivier's hamlet and i put it in, but when i was glancing through the channels i found a better program. when i got to it, they were talking about pickpockets and their strategies. then they talked about important ways to keep safe. then the narrator started talking to the camera and said, "coming up next: your home may be the most unsafe place for you to be" or something like that. that was when i caught the title: are you safe? a national test on crime prevention. then next segment came and featured a burglar jumping over a wall and sneaking around some bushes. all of a sudden the movie paused on the burglar and the narrator said, "which of these is true: most burglars a) plan in advance, b) come in the night, or c) pick a quiet neighborhood. if you answered c), give yourself 4 points." i picked a), so i didn't give myself any points. but then it was talking about how a common burglar scheme is to dress up as a repairman or something. but that seems like planning in advance. i didn't hate the show for that, in fact i kept loving it. at the end of the show you were supposed to tally up your score and give yourself an extra 2 points if you participate in a neighborhood watch. if you score above 80, you're taking the necessary precautions. if you score 60-80, then you need to pay attention to your habits. if you score under 60, you're supposed to reevaluate your dangerous life. this was the best television show i've ever seen. you should order it.

so besides the 7-11 guy getting cancer, i hope that he scored under 60 on that test and i hope he gets pickpocketed in a public place while his home is quietly burglarized. maybe then he'll listen to what mcgruff says, take more precautions against possible crime, and give me some fucking quarters so that i can do laundry in the middle of the night.

I hate Pies in the face

2006-10-06T12:34:00.000-06:00

unless I am on the "hand" side of that pie.

i think god and satan are fighting over me

2006-10-06T11:24:00.000-06:00

in my last entry, i mentioned i'm sympathetic towards satanists. did this bother god? i thought it didn't because either (1) (s)he doesn't exist or (2) (s)he knows my heart and finds my sense of humor refreshing. but maybe i don't understand god. i mean, if god is infinite and we're finite, how can we understand anything about god?

when i entered in the address for this website this morning, i was taken here. actually, i misspelled the address. i typed in jetpackcobras.blogpsot.com instead of jetpackcobras.blogspot.com. i guess my right-pinky is faster than my left-ring-finger.

this other jetpackcobras website is better than ours. there's information on the rapture and christ coming back to earth and how unsaved people sometimes look like they've been saved and the antichrist and the two witnesses and the pending russian invasion of isreal and everything you'd ever want to know about real christianity.

but i don't get it. there is no way this website's address actually has jetpackcobras in it. so how did i end up there? god? it's the only answer i can think of. so god doesn't want me to become a member of the church of satan and does want me to start getting prepared for the end of the world.

i know a lot of contributors like to talk about how they hate the internet. but i love it. i think it's like the best thing ever. and now, it may be the reason i end up in heaven.

i hate being so succeptible to filthy infomercials

2006-10-06T01:19:00.000-06:00

so i watched this infomercial about the "ultimate cleanse" and how i was probably carrying around a bunch of toxic fecal matter in my colon... and how was i supposed to respond. of course i'm plagued with fear about the layers upon layers of material caked onto my colon. i'm sure it works, check out this review.

i'm scared.

everytime i watch one of those damn things i'm convinced i need a new food dehydrator, something that takes the scuffs and scratches off my car, a rotisserie oven, a juicemaker, a golf club that will make me rich and sexy, real estate tapes cause i'll always be poor unlike that gold chain wearing midget with raybans, sharper knives to cut the food i'll never make, vacuums with the strength to pick up all the bowling balls i leave around the house. i'm a mess, i'm not sure what to buy. thanks a lot ron popeil. i hate you.

i hate people who suck decemberists cock

2006-10-05T14:47:00.000-06:00

i hope they choke.

tyra banks is not cool

2006-10-04T16:34:00.000-06:00

i hate her. she loves herself so much and she is so lame. i hate her stupid talk show. i've never seen it, but i hate that she even has one. i like "next top model", but not the her part. she usually looks like a drag queen and i hate every stupid, ugly thing she says. i wish they'd send her home.

It's time to hate the Aged.

2006-10-04T12:59:00.000-06:00

Not all old people, just all old people on TV. Usually they are trying to do something wacky or asking me "What's in YOUR wallet?" as if they are totally extreme. Well I have news for you, Old people aren't even "kind of" extreme. I hate when old people doing wacky things is supposed by be funny.

Here is a general rule of thumb, when you have an old person on TV there are only two ways to make them funny:

1. if they innexplicably explode, HARD

2. if they fall down and break a hip (It's funny because it is true).

If you are not going to do that Mr. and Mrs. Advertisers than just respect our elders* and let them die in the quiet ignominy of rest homes.

* not the misisonaries.

the beatles were totally satanist

2006-10-03T20:46:00.000-06:00

i just saw the worst commercial ever. maybe even the worst thing ever. but probably just the worst commercial ever. i searched and search and searched (for like five minutes [and i don't mean like minutes the way rappers do where a minute means a long period of time but literally five minutes]) and couldn't find a video clip of this commercial online. i guess i have to try and describe the commercial. i hate that.

this is our country: a description of the new chevy silverado commercial in paragraph form

it opens with some john (cougar?) mellencamp song that repeats the line--and you have to imagine this in a john (cougar?) mellencamp voice--"this is our country" over and over some cliched contemporary adult rock song. that sounds bad enough, but it gets worse. there's a shot of john (cougar?) himself strumming away on his guitar and singing his little heart out. bad, but it still gets worse. then, over the backdrop of the hypno-patriot music, we see some of the most famous american images of the last fifty years including, but not limited to, rosa parks, vietnam war protests, nixon doing something, the aftermath of hurricane katrina, a nighttime skyline shot of new york city with two beams of light where the twin towers used to be and firefighters. then we see the new chevy silverado truck somewhere in rural america. the commercial closes with a catch-phrase that i may be paraphrasing: "our country. our truck."

when i saw this, i became physically ill. i saw when the levees break last month so the inclusion of hurricane katrina seemed unconscionable. but rosa parks!?! come on! what the fuck does any of this have to do with a fucking truck? total bullshit. this is worse than the commercial subway ran right after september 11th, 2001. this is so bad it must be satanic.

but is being satanic that bad?

my roommate is a sometimes satanist and a really great guy. plus, i generally think that satan and satan-worshippers unfairly get a bad rap. if god created everything, didn't he create satan? so can satan be all bad?

my point: if you're going to buy a truck make it a silverado. unless you hate the beatles.

oh yeah, an earlier version of the add featured a mushroom cloud. guess what country is the only country to be attacked by nuclear bombs? and guess what country has the most successful car companies?

Matt Lauer

2006-10-03T18:06:00.000-06:00

I just really hate this guy.

His good looks, smooth moves and silver tongue always land him the little girls.

I hate cancer

2006-10-03T15:48:00.000-06:00

and cancres

and chancres.

the end.

if joaquin is singin', then it's a musical

2006-10-01T21:45:00.000-06:00

i hate when people think movies like walk the line or ray aren't musicals. of course they're musicals. they sing like the entire movie. but i hate both of those movies. probably because they're musicals. and if you're going to make a musical, it better be fuckin great.

here are my favorite musicals:
singin' in the rain
dancer in the dark
night of the hunter
west side story
42nd street

Hawaiians are so Stupid and Poor

2006-10-01T13:53:00.000-06:00

I hate "Snow Crisps." They're these nastyass rice crackers with soy sauce on one side and frosting on the other. The box claims that they are: Delicious! Tasty! Crunchy! Fun to eat! No cholesterol!

Delicious? I guess. If you think cat vomit is good.
Tasty? I think I already covered this one. I will also compare eating these crackers to eating cow turds (which is what some dude did on Jackass Number Two and I didn't laugh. I did, however, laugh at almost everything else in that movie. Hate me if you must.)
Crunchy? They've got me there. They are crunchy. As crunchy as fried...I don't know. Something else that's gross besides vomit and poop.
Fun to eat? I've never had less fun in my life. I would rather go to a family reunion where all of my inbred cousins that appeared on Maury organized the games.
No cholesterol? That seems to contradict the "fun to eat" claim right there.

Eating Snow Crisps is worse than starving.

stop talkin' 'bout guaranteeing your rhymes and start guaranteeing your rhymes

2006-09-29T10:14:00.000-06:00

like my brother erin, i too went to a party on saturday night. i spent the first part of the party sizing up all the boys in the room. but natani and i couldn't settle on the fittest. i thought it was the guy who looked like a hotter spike jonze. natani thought it was this guy who didn't look like spike jonze. then this other kid showed up that blew spike jonze . . . away.

then there was rollerskating(?).

then there was a dance party.

i do not hate dancing but i usually hate the music most people like to dance to. this party was no exception. no mia, no dub narcotic, no gang of four, no prince, no mos def, etc. instead it was all rapture and le tigre remixes (why wouldn't you just play le tigre?) and other stuff i never want to hear again. i guess they wanted to crunk it up by pumping some so-called dirty rap. actually the rap wasn't as bad as it usually is at these kind of dance parties. anyway, i'm dancing my little heart out and a song comes on that i think i love. actually i didn't just think this. i said something about loving this song. i was stoked and my dancing was reaching interstellar levels when i realized the song i thought and said i liked was actually 50 cent and the game. this really confused and depressed me. why would i love anything done by anyone related to g-unit? worse, i'd already admitted to liking this song in front of like ten people who i want to not hate me. so i had a panic attack (my third of the night).

the next day i was telling a friend about my social blunder. she reminded me that i did like that song, except i like the clipse version of the song.

so clipse has this record were they take the beats from all your (not my) favorite songs and then rap over them. the idea is that the beats are fresh but the rhymes aren't cutting it. they make songs that could be cool (but are ruined by 50 cent) cool. you're probably wondering how they don't get sued. i have a theory: when the original artists hear how good the songs are with clipse, they're put to shame. that and hip hop is all about taking existing music and making it better.

i hate it when people that like g-unit when they've never heard clipse. i hate people worse when they like g-unit and have heard of clipse.

and the guys in clipse are twins and like best friends with pharrell. i wish little skateboard p was at that party; he would have even been hotter than the spike jonze guy.