Friday, September 29, 2006

 

stop talkin' 'bout guaranteeing your rhymes and start guaranteeing your rhymes

like my brother erin, i too went to a party on saturday night. i spent the first part of the party sizing up all the boys in the room. but natani and i couldn't settle on the fittest. i thought it was the guy who looked like a hotter spike jonze. natani thought it was this guy who didn't look like spike jonze. then this other kid showed up that blew spike jonze . . . away.

then there was rollerskating(?).

then there was a dance party.

i do not hate dancing but i usually hate the music most people like to dance to. this party was no exception. no mia, no dub narcotic, no gang of four, no prince, no mos def, etc. instead it was all rapture and le tigre remixes (why wouldn't you just play le tigre?) and other stuff i never want to hear again. i guess they wanted to crunk it up by pumping some so-called dirty rap. actually the rap wasn't as bad as it usually is at these kind of dance parties. anyway, i'm dancing my little heart out and a song comes on that i think i love. actually i didn't just think this. i said something about loving this song. i was stoked and my dancing was reaching interstellar levels when i realized the song i thought and said i liked was actually 50 cent and the game. this really confused and depressed me. why would i love anything done by anyone related to g-unit? worse, i'd already admitted to liking this song in front of like ten people who i want to not hate me. so i had a panic attack (my third of the night).

the next day i was telling a friend about my social blunder. she reminded me that i did like that song, except i like the clipse version of the song.

so clipse has this record were they take the beats from all your (not my) favorite songs and then rap over them. the idea is that the beats are fresh but the rhymes aren't cutting it. they make songs that could be cool (but are ruined by 50 cent) cool. you're probably wondering how they don't get sued. i have a theory: when the original artists hear how good the songs are with clipse, they're put to shame. that and hip hop is all about taking existing music and making it better.

i hate it when people that like g-unit when they've never heard clipse. i hate people worse when they like g-unit and have heard of clipse.

and the guys in clipse are twins and like best friends with pharrell. i wish little skateboard p was at that party; he would have even been hotter than the spike jonze guy.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

 

here's a tip:

so, i went to sonic to get a diet cherry limeade. sonic diet cherry limeades are the best thing ever. especially during happy hour because they are half off. i was so thirsty, and suddenly i remembered that i was in utah and that sonic was closer than 30 minutes away and i was so stoked! THEN, i got to the drive-in and realized it was happy hour! double stoked! so i ordered the 32oz (tip: never get less than 44oz--why would you?), and it came to $.83. The girl comes out with my diet cherry limeade and i handed her a dollar. then she said "do you want your change?" I hated her right then and there. Sure, it's only a dollar, and i'm not a cheap tipper, but first of all, since when do you tip the drive-up girl? secondly, why the hell is it cool for you to ASK me if i want my change? you should just assume that i want my change and then be pleasantly surprised if i say "keep the change". stupid dumb drive-up girl. i hate you. keep your $.17.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

 

Thirsty?


Look bathroom fixer guy...maybe if you decide to steal one of my ice cold Diet Dr. Pepper's from my fridge while you're working and only take one sip, you should dispose of the evidence.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

 

my name is davID

When you ask me my name, at least do me the service of calling me what you just asked. When I said David, I didn't say Dave. It's not rocket science pal, you just told me your name is Robert, I'm not calling you Bobby ok?

Dave is the guy who wears lampshades to parties and has fugly goatees.

 

Something for The Office

Why does my co-worker always come to talk to me immediately after he has decided that it is snack time? Either he is talking and simulatneously stuffing his face with extra cheesy cheez-its or slurping yogurt and smacking his lips. I cower in my cubicle, living in constant fear of being spit on/slimed as he discusses who-knows-what with me.

I hate people with crummy manners, literally and figuratively.

Monday, September 25, 2006

 

commercials that suck

i hate the proposition 87 commercials. in fact, i hate every prop commercial i've seen since moving to CA and believe me, that is a lot. i swear when voting time comes around they stop playing regular commercials altogether. the best(worst) election commercial right now is the one to vote against the governator (i hate it when people call him that). it just replays the clip of him saying "let's go ahead and reelect george w. bush!! george w. bush!" over and over again. that and all those prop commercials are the reason i never registered to vote in CA. i hate them so bad.

i really really hate old navy commercials. they annoy me so bad and make me never want to go there ever again. i also hate those effing road redwood commercials (which i just realized today are still being shown--welcome back to utah becky). i guess i just hate really sucky commercials. like those totally awesome computer commercials that used to be on all the time that made me want to drink lye. or the head on commercials: "Head On, apply directly to the forehead, Head On, apply directly to the forehead. Head On, appy directly to the forehead, Head On, apply directly to the forehead". WTF is that? people say "see, they worked, though, because you remembered it, and that was their intention". well, jokes on them because i will never buy anything from them out of spite.

other products i pretty much hate because of their commercials: red bull, carl's junior, hummers, and *burger king.

i will, however, buy VWs and Rozerem...

*i loved their commercials until that totally sexist one.

 

just when i was loving tcm

they go and play this subpar silent movie. i forgot the title and refuse to look it up. the info said it was supposed to be a tearjearker about unrequainted love. it started off cool enough--each scene had it's own color from blue to orange to pink to black--but the piano music going on in the background wasn't cutting it. we decided to add our own music. given that this movie was supposed to be a tearjerker, i cracked out my beethoven's 7th (we figured if we're watching a silent film, we better only put on records). the film turned out to be a slapstick comedy, so the music felt inappropriate. then a lot of boring stuff happened and then the movie was over. silent movie sundays were supposed to keep me from suicide.

luckily, after the silent movie, they played woman under the influence. if it wasn't for john cassavettes, i'd probably be dead.

i still think tcm is the best channel on tv (but f[ox] s[occer] c[hannel] is a close second).

Thursday, September 21, 2006

 

i hate everyone else on the bus except me and that old hispanic lady

i freaking hate people on the bus. if i didn't love riding the bus so much i swear i'd stop. it's pretty much ruined by three types of idiots:

the idiot who takes up too many spaces
he has a variety of techniques, putting his foot up, placing his bag there, or simply positioning himself in a way that his girth spills over to another seat. i'm not talking about heavy people, just lazy inconsiderate a-holes.

the idiot who sits on the outside seat, blocking the vacant seat
yes you eff-head. there are old ladies with vertigo and men with prosthetics performing Ringling Brothers like acrobatic feats of balance because you are are so far removed you can't get your ass over to the window. either move, or let me kick you in the crotch. it's well deserved.

the idiot who argues with the drive about the fare
yes, i know, the quarter fare is really breaking the bank. either sit down and shut the hell up or get out of my bus so i can go back to hating the other idiots on this bus.

 

what if she got drowned?

this may not seem like a hate post, but it is. i think.

i've been so impressed with t(urner)c(lassic)m(ovies) lately. two weeks ago i came home to the passion of joan of arc. this is, without a doubt, the best movie ever made. don't believe me? i have two suggestions for you: (1) watch it or (2) ask anyone who has seen it and i guarantee they'll sing its praises. if you take the former of my suggestions, be prepared: it's the most intense, gut-wrenching movie you'll ever see. dreyer never even gives you a chance to catch your breath. it's like watching the ending of dancer in the dark for an entire movie. and, despite the fact that it's made in 1928, it's visually stunning. the movie consists of almost all extreme closeups. plus, listen to this story:

in the 40's or 50's, all the known copies of the passion of joan of arc were damaged in a fire. dreyer tried to recreate the film from the damaged reels but couldn't. he died thinking his finest movie (and the finest movie ever made) was lost forever. then, in like 1986, someone found an original cut of the movie in the closet of a dutch mental hospital. i think the joan of arc story--angels appearing to a peasant girl telling her to lead the french army and kick england out of france and then actually succeeding--is probably the most incredible story in human history. but this story about the passion of joan of arc might be more incredible. what this story means? god wants you to see the passion of joan of arc.

i already forgot what this post was supposed to be about. oh yeah, silent movies.

so tcm is the best channel on tv. in the last two weeks, they've not only played the passion of joan of arc, they played casablanca (which isn't that impressive, but it's still a great movie), they had a bergman night were they played seventh seal and wild strawberries back to back, they had another night were they showed rashoman and yojimbo back to back and they also screened blow up, dr socrates and ashes and diamonds.

which leads me to sunday night:

gavin and i flipped over to tcm to see what was on. the graduate. that movie is sweet. since i always remember it being sad, i forget how funny it is. like the part where benjamin kisses mrs. robinson after she takes a drag from her cigarette or how benjamin is always running everywhere and he's a college track star. after that, tcm ran this silent film titled sunrise. this movie was fucking sweet. made in 1927, it was jammed-packed with special effects. there was this awesome ghost-like scene where the guy was thinking about his girlfriend and then she appeared holding him thanks to some kind of double exposure. there was this weird split-screen stuff . . . in 1927. there was this crazy montage where his girlfriend was showing why the city is way cooler than the country. after seeing that, i was ready to kill that guys wife if it meant living in the girlfriend's montage of the city. finally, there was this part with this piglet running around that was the funniest animal part in any movie ever. i know i've said a lot of things were the best or near the best in their respective categories in this post, but i'm not overselling. if anything, i'm underselling these movies.

how this is a hate post? (silent) movies like these make me hate nearly every other movie. with the exception of lars von trier, what filmmakers today have the guts to make movies as insanely beautiful as sunrise? hopefully michel gondry, but i won't know for sure until friday.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

 

I hate people who don't wear watches out of principle

I hate a lot of things so I am happy that I was finally invited to be part of this blog. The first thing I want to talk about are people that think they are better than other people because they don't wear a watch. I've felt this way since some time in college but was reminded of it when I read this comment on a blog:

"some of us are too encumbered by carrying time on our backs that the idea of carrying time on our wrists just doesn't seem that appealing. for the rest of you, good luck with the watch thing. i'm carrying too much as it is."

This dude is a grown man and he really can't figure out how to enjoy life AND wear a watch?

I went to school with hippies and some of them liked to talk about how happy they were because they didn't wear watches. I saw this situation playout before me countless times:

You asked the nice fellow sitting next to you if he knows the time. Then out of nowhere he gives a monologue about how not only does he not know the time but how he doesn't wear a watch and how he doesn't believe in time or man-made limits like that. Then he begins to explain how much more free he is than everyone else because he isn't held down by constraints like watches.

I run into this attitude every so often and because of my interactions with these people I've realized that I HATE people that don't wear watches out of principle. I HATE THEM.

I have two responses to these people:

1. If you own a cell phone its the same thing as a watch.
2. I'll bet five dollars you looked at a clock in order too show up to your mother effing Phish Concert on time.

Monday, September 18, 2006

 

I hate breaking pretty cake plates that i just bought for $2.50 at a thrift store while walking home!!!


 

I hate swears

but I also hate prudes.

what is a guy to do...not go to the internet???

I also hate the internet, but I think I have mentioned that.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

 

i never wanted fucking titles

actually i think i told aaron to add the option of titles to the posts. if so, i probably hate myself.

actually i know i hate myself. but not for that. i don't think i should explain myself hatred but one reason is because i'm too lazy to post on this thing everyday. but it's because of the title thing. or that's the excuse i use so i don't have to consciously hate myself.

i do hate the spellchecker (one word) option on this thing. i don't need it to tell me that i'm supposed to capitalize at the beginning of sentences. i choose not to capitalize. i find it offensive. especially capitalizing the 1st person singular i. how conceited can you be? are you supposed to capitalize any other pronoun?

finally, i may hate the title of our blog. actually i like it, but i know someone who does.

Friday, September 15, 2006

 

I Hate Apathy

I just wish that I cared enough to say something about it.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

 

I hate necking

With this guy.

 

If there is one thing that I hate...

...It is the internet.

It is a gaping jaw that swallows my life and poops out tired eyes.

I would like to blow it up if I could, but

(A) I don't know where it is (I think it is in a college somewheres)
(B) Terrorism is wrong.*


*I learned this "lesson" yesterday by going on a freedom walk, where I learned to desire to have freedom from tired feet.

Monday, September 11, 2006

 

it's been five years (just like the bowie song)

before i start with the hate, i feel like i really need to let all of you know that i love that "five years" song by david bowie. sometimes i think it's my favorite song by him. to explain what kind of a bowie fan i am, let me say that my favorite records include low, aladin's sane, hunky dory and ziggy stardust.

there were like 7 9-11 documentaries on last night. what's the deal with that? it wasn't even 9-11. and talk about lazy, they were all documentaries made in like 2002. how can five years be a real marker if we don't make any new documentaries? i want to see how 9-11 affects (or effects, i always forget) people today in 2006, not in 2002. i can't even remember 2002. except i remember having this modern american literature class that changed my life. not because of anything we read (even though i was introduced to cane in that class and it remains one of my favorite books), but because i finally figured out literary criticism: you just argue for anything you want as long as you ground it in the text. if it wasn't for this class, i don't know if i'd still like star wars. i mean they're much more interesting movies when you focus on all the homo-eroticism and the dangers of suppressing homosexual tendencies.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

 

Racists. (eye roll). I hate them.

If there is anything I hate, it is racists. And I can't think of anything more racist than band-aids.

This was first brought to my attention when I was standing in line to get into a club, and the bouncer was this big black guy who was obviously not taking any crap from anyone, except that he had this ridiculous band-aid on his forehead. The poor guy was standing there with the white-man's pasty flesh colored band-aid stuck above his eyebrow. The only thing that saved it was that he probably was covering some wounds that came from his latest knife-fight or something, so he still looked pretty badass.

But seriously, who do the white people think they are, trying to bandage the wounds of the world?

Snoopy band-aids. You are a step in the right direction. You may be the answer to the world's age-old dilemma. (though I am not sure if this guy would have commanded the same respect if he had little doggies on his forehead)

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

 

wtf does swagger mean anyway?

still watching tennis. some idiot commentator (not john m.) just said that roddick has his swagger back. what does that even mean? the only thing i can think is that he's finally over his breakup with mandy moore, but i'm sure that's not what that idiot means. why can't people come up with interesting (or at least meaningful) sports analogies?

 

credit card commercials are dishonest

i'm watching tennis (like always). during the last break, they showed this commercial for american express. it featured this couple wedding ring shopping (but not wedding ringtone shopping). they found the perfect ring and obviously had no problems buying a diamond ring even knowing that to get the diamond some african kid had to lose an arm. (this wasn't stated explicitly within the commercial, but i feel safe with my assumption because everybody has to know this by know.) when they go to make the purchase the credit card comes back denied. but no worries, as american express informs us this couple can simply get another credit card. an american express brown card. (i don't know if that's what it's called. the commercial featured a brown colored card and i know, thanks to clipse, that there is such a thing as an american express black card. this card [the brown one] must be a step [or a couple steps] below the black.)

in short, if you have a lot of credit card debt, the solution, according to american express, is to get another credit card. as gavin pointed out while watching the commercial, being in debt doesn't matter as long as you're in love.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

 

Look Cobra Guy

Sometimes I hate you Aaron because you'll always be first on our alphabetized list of blog contributors.

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