Saturday, October 28, 2006
I need three credits to graduate, but I'm dropping out.
I hate that joke where people say, “I’m not the most humble person I know. I mean, I am so humble!” And you’re supposed to laugh because ha ha! they’re bragging about being humble— it’s so ironically hilarious!
Similarly, I hate when people say, “I’m going to stop procrastinating… tomorrow!” and look to you with their mouths slightly open, their eyebrows raised, and an expression of anticipation, so that you’ll know you’re supposed to validate their douche-bag existence with a laugh. Or when people complain about someone else being apathetic or indifferent, and then say, “I’d hate him, but I don’t I don’t really care enough.”
One time I thought I might be starting to have a crush on this dude, but we were having an otherwise nice evening out and he said the humble thing. I decided to look past it, to try and make things work. I hate myself for that, because a couple weeks later he did the same fucking, “I’m so humble” bull shit. Now we barely talk.
I’m probably going to fail my philosophy class because last week my professor said he was going to stop procrastinating (…) tomorrow (!) and now I can’t listen to a word that comes out of his mouth, because he’s obviously a fucking idiot who should be teaching Sunday School or get-rich-quick seminars, not a class at a major university.
Similarly, I hate when people say, “I’m going to stop procrastinating… tomorrow!” and look to you with their mouths slightly open, their eyebrows raised, and an expression of anticipation, so that you’ll know you’re supposed to validate their douche-bag existence with a laugh. Or when people complain about someone else being apathetic or indifferent, and then say, “I’d hate him, but I don’t I don’t really care enough.”
One time I thought I might be starting to have a crush on this dude, but we were having an otherwise nice evening out and he said the humble thing. I decided to look past it, to try and make things work. I hate myself for that, because a couple weeks later he did the same fucking, “I’m so humble” bull shit. Now we barely talk.
I’m probably going to fail my philosophy class because last week my professor said he was going to stop procrastinating (…) tomorrow (!) and now I can’t listen to a word that comes out of his mouth, because he’s obviously a fucking idiot who should be teaching Sunday School or get-rich-quick seminars, not a class at a major university.
We sang dirges in the dark
Whitney and I frequent our local laundromat because it provides free wireless internet that is more reliable than the signal we steal from our neighbors. Sometimes we show up during the day and go inside to enjoy the Spanish soap operas and hum of the dryers, but usually we just go on our nightly trip to the Chev to get soda and sit in our car in the parking lot. There's this dude that shows up every night around eleven to mop the floors and dust of the washing machines, and he seems to get a real kick out of us. I don't know if he interprets our regularity as desperation (it's not! We like routine! It's on our way!), or what, but he grins and waves and tries to make us see what a real riot he thinks we are. Fuck that dude, I hate him. We're not friends. We don't acknowledge your existence, stop trying to chum us up.
What I hate most about him is that you know he's the kind of kid who tries to win over girls (not us, girls he really knows) by being the friendly guy. Not the cry-on-my-shoulder kind of friend, but one of those I'm-such-a-fun-lover, isn't-it-fun-to-be-happy, Pollyanna kind of assholes that is ruining my life.
What I hate most about him is that you know he's the kind of kid who tries to win over girls (not us, girls he really knows) by being the friendly guy. Not the cry-on-my-shoulder kind of friend, but one of those I'm-such-a-fun-lover, isn't-it-fun-to-be-happy, Pollyanna kind of assholes that is ruining my life.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
In general, I'm not a dentist hater,
but I hate that after getting my teeth cleaned today, I had to wait in the awkwardly-shaped dentist chair in a not-quite-laying-down, not-quite-sitting position for twenty minutes because even though the girl who cleans my teeth spent ten thousand dollars to go to school and learn all sorts of pointless bull shit that has nothing to do with cleaning teeth, she isn't qualified to look at the screen that shows exactly where my cavities are and write down on a piece of paper that they need to be filled. We have to wait (together) for the dentist to finish up in the cubicle next to us, and she has to talk down to me, as if she isn't the same fucking age as me, and as if I don't have as much education as her. Her teeth are unnaturally white, and normally I hate her for that, but today I was too busy hating her for her Snoopy scrubs.
I hate the way my dentist always pats my arm when he comes in. How he asks me if I'm dating someone when he can't even remember my age, or what I'm studying in school, or any of the other things he asks me about every time (and those things aren't subject to change as much as which dude I hate the least this week), so why don't you worry a little less about my social life, and just tell Snoopy Scrubs Girl which teeth need to be filled so I can go home?
I hate that I have a crush on one of the dentists who works in the office. He's clean cut, with sandy blonde hair and muscles and a nice jaw line and a wife. He's basically the exact opposite of anyone I like in real (not dental) life, so I don't really get it. But every time the receptionists asks if next time I want to see Dr. Jones (the hunk) or Dr. Christianson (the patter/detail-forgetter), I blush and giggle nervously, and say it doesn't matter.
But mostly I hate that every time I go to the dentist, he tells me to floss more regularly. I floss every day, asshole.
I hate the way my dentist always pats my arm when he comes in. How he asks me if I'm dating someone when he can't even remember my age, or what I'm studying in school, or any of the other things he asks me about every time (and those things aren't subject to change as much as which dude I hate the least this week), so why don't you worry a little less about my social life, and just tell Snoopy Scrubs Girl which teeth need to be filled so I can go home?
I hate that I have a crush on one of the dentists who works in the office. He's clean cut, with sandy blonde hair and muscles and a nice jaw line and a wife. He's basically the exact opposite of anyone I like in real (not dental) life, so I don't really get it. But every time the receptionists asks if next time I want to see Dr. Jones (the hunk) or Dr. Christianson (the patter/detail-forgetter), I blush and giggle nervously, and say it doesn't matter.
But mostly I hate that every time I go to the dentist, he tells me to floss more regularly. I floss every day, asshole.
speaking of beauty products
cindy crawford has this beauty line called "meaningful beauty". wtf is that? what a stupid name for a product. i hate it so bad. what makes beauty meaningful? and is there unmeaningful beauty? what makes it lack meaning? and if i got the products for free, does that make it more meaningful or less?
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
i think it's best not to make eye contact with them
um i hate the tsa. well maybe not hate but they make me really nervous. i would go into more detail but i am afraid i will be put on a list and i hate driving long distances more than the tsa. and i want to go to london soon. and you cant drive there. if you are on the list its IMPOSSIBLE to fly anywhere without some sort of naked strip search. so you have to check in even earlier. and i am always running late.
things i hate about the tsa include they racially profile in order to make everyone feel safer. and they racially profile badly. and they threw away my mary kay moisturizer because it was 3.2 oz. i also hated it because normally i would like to ask why 3.2 is dangerous and 3.0 is not. so i also feel like my free speech has been affected. and my skin is dry.
things i hate about the tsa include they racially profile in order to make everyone feel safer. and they racially profile badly. and they threw away my mary kay moisturizer because it was 3.2 oz. i also hated it because normally i would like to ask why 3.2 is dangerous and 3.0 is not. so i also feel like my free speech has been affected. and my skin is dry.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
maybe i've seen star wars too many times
but it just seems like the subtext of so many movies is all about being gay in a homophobic and heterosexist society. i don't hate that i'm always reading gay themes into every movie i watch; i hate that no one ever agrees with me.
silent movie sunday on tcm played laugh, clown, laugh starring lon chaney. (i've now seen three lon chaney movies and everyone of them was about the circus--one movie he was pretending to be armless, one movie he was legless and in this movie he was a clown.) laugh, clown, laugh is about a clown who finds this abandoned kid and adopts her. 20 years later he figures out that he's in love with his adopted daughter, but of course he can't do anything about it. so he turns into a clown who cries whenever he's not performing. his neurologist tells him he needs to love a women and he'll be cured of his sadness. at the doctor's office he meets this guy who can't stop laughing. how he gets over his disease? he needs to fall in love. so the sad clown and the laughing guy become friends because they can help each other. then the laughing guy falls in love with the clowns adopted daughter. the movie's not that good, so i don't know how it ends.
but the laughing guy and the sad clown are totally in love with each other. being in love with his adopted daughter is a metaphor for their homosexual attractions. he has these feelings that are frowned on by society so he has to suppress them and he becomes miserable. there were all of these crazy scenes between the sad clown and laughing guy where it was obvious that they loved each other. but no one believed me when i tried to point this out.
maybe i have seen star wars too many times, but it seems like so many movies are about suppressing, fighting or coming to terms with homosexuality. but star wars isn't the only reason i pick up on the (obvious) gay subtext in so many movies. it's also because of brokeback mountain (and you probably thought i was coming out). brokeback is supposed to be this groundbreaking movie because of it's subject matter--homosexuals trying to live in an hyper-homophobic and ultra-heterosexist community--but there are like a billion movies about that. besides star wars and laugh, clown, laugh there's top gun, et, gladiator, casablanca, midnight cowboy, pearl harbor and so on and so on.
silent movie sunday on tcm played laugh, clown, laugh starring lon chaney. (i've now seen three lon chaney movies and everyone of them was about the circus--one movie he was pretending to be armless, one movie he was legless and in this movie he was a clown.) laugh, clown, laugh is about a clown who finds this abandoned kid and adopts her. 20 years later he figures out that he's in love with his adopted daughter, but of course he can't do anything about it. so he turns into a clown who cries whenever he's not performing. his neurologist tells him he needs to love a women and he'll be cured of his sadness. at the doctor's office he meets this guy who can't stop laughing. how he gets over his disease? he needs to fall in love. so the sad clown and the laughing guy become friends because they can help each other. then the laughing guy falls in love with the clowns adopted daughter. the movie's not that good, so i don't know how it ends.
but the laughing guy and the sad clown are totally in love with each other. being in love with his adopted daughter is a metaphor for their homosexual attractions. he has these feelings that are frowned on by society so he has to suppress them and he becomes miserable. there were all of these crazy scenes between the sad clown and laughing guy where it was obvious that they loved each other. but no one believed me when i tried to point this out.
maybe i have seen star wars too many times, but it seems like so many movies are about suppressing, fighting or coming to terms with homosexuality. but star wars isn't the only reason i pick up on the (obvious) gay subtext in so many movies. it's also because of brokeback mountain (and you probably thought i was coming out). brokeback is supposed to be this groundbreaking movie because of it's subject matter--homosexuals trying to live in an hyper-homophobic and ultra-heterosexist community--but there are like a billion movies about that. besides star wars and laugh, clown, laugh there's top gun, et, gladiator, casablanca, midnight cowboy, pearl harbor and so on and so on.
Monday, October 23, 2006
got originality?
okay, so i really hate how everyone has ripped off the "Got Milk?" ads. it's everywhere. maybe these little homegrown companies are going out of business because they have zero creativity in advertising. i saw a van yesterday that said "Got Plumbing Supplies?" seriously, get a new, original idea. i hate you and your stupid homemade signs.
i hate being faked out
i'm certain on this one. it's not like my previous post where i declared my uncertainty about hating american english. i hate trying to sell a car (or anything for that matter). when i placed my sales ad on a stupid website i put the price for a reason, because that's how much the car will cost anyone that decides they want to buy it. it's not open for negotiation, others might fall for the buyer's tricks but not me. if you want it, pay me what i said I want. if not, i'll keep my car and you keep your stupid money. don't call me on my day off work to set up a time that's convenient for you, meaning i have to take more time from my day to make the car look presentable when you never have the intention to pay the price which i've made clear i'm selling the damn car for. don't bother telling me your lame and unoriginal stories about how many other cars you've looked at that are a little cheaper that you'll probably end up buying if i don't lower my price... you may think your lame ass story is tried and true, but it's not (the least you can do when your trying to rape me in my wallet is to be original and tell me something like: that you have a crippled grandma with cancer and an amputated leg that will only ride in a car exactly like mine). so this coupon is for you and your mom, mr. stupid-jerk-face:
(the use of the word "b*tch" is with no sexist connotation whatsoever, it's meant more along the lines of a "you-stupid-idiot" connotation)
(the use of the word "b*tch" is with no sexist connotation whatsoever, it's meant more along the lines of a "you-stupid-idiot" connotation)
Saturday, October 21, 2006
me too (see below)
i was with fight (and like ten other people) last night when he saw marie antoinette. we were super excited for this movie. we've been patiently waiting ever since we saw the first preview. our group had to split up into three smaller groups since the theater was fairly packed. there was a preview for the new christopher guest movie and guess who's in it: joan from campus ladies! then we had to watch the same stupid preview for stranger than fiction twice.
anyway, the movie was terrible. i wanted it to be great so bad. i kept telling people how i thought it was going to be the best high school prom movie ever. it turned out to be one of the worst high school prom movies ever--except only part of the movie was like a high school prom, the rest was about rousseau and the return to nature and i don't know. this movie made no sense. it was all over the place and incredibly boring. don't get me wrong, i'm all about boring movies, but this was unwatchably boring. there was only one interesting part in the entire movie. today i'm just sad. sad that sophia coppola made such a shitty movie, sad that jason schwartzman isn't going to win an oscar and sad that gang of four--one of the best bands ever--had their song in such a terrible movie.
anyway, the movie was terrible. i wanted it to be great so bad. i kept telling people how i thought it was going to be the best high school prom movie ever. it turned out to be one of the worst high school prom movies ever--except only part of the movie was like a high school prom, the rest was about rousseau and the return to nature and i don't know. this movie made no sense. it was all over the place and incredibly boring. don't get me wrong, i'm all about boring movies, but this was unwatchably boring. there was only one interesting part in the entire movie. today i'm just sad. sad that sophia coppola made such a shitty movie, sad that jason schwartzman isn't going to win an oscar and sad that gang of four--one of the best bands ever--had their song in such a terrible movie.
i hate marie antoinette
Now I realize most haters on here might actually hate me, which is fine. But i want to be a servant for all. DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE! Honestly it is the worst movie i've ever seen. I was suspicious when i heard people booed the premeire at Cannes, and i overlooked that because i thought Lost in Translation was good. But there is nothing good about this movie. There is nothing interesting at all in this movie. 2 hours of crap. It's not because they use 80's music, or that at some point in production Sofia Coppola wanted to make a good movie for girls, but it's because it is shitty. Boring. Uninteresting. Garbage. This is a warning to all. Spread the word.thank god for fat people
i hate fat haters. fat people are the real heros. they're like a combination of firefighters and police(wo)men. they know that this life is pointless and that we're all going to die so who cares what you look like. same goes for smokers. they know we're going to die so why not smoke. smoking is awesome and cool--way cooler than being skinny.
so remember, just because you keep your weight down doesn't mean you're not going to die.
so remember, just because you keep your weight down doesn't mean you're not going to die.
Friday, October 20, 2006
i hate you marissa cooper
you were the world's worst girlfriend. i should've known after that oliver stunt you pulled in the first season that you were trouble. well, you got what you deserved for being promiscous. let that be a lesson to all of you spoiled brats, if you sleep with a coke-head surfer, he'll run you off the road in a fit of jealous-driven(zing) rage.two weeks and counting... who's with me?
no one.
i'm starting to hate american english
sorry brian, but it's true.
i could be wrong (it happens alot, and if that's the case i'll willingly admit to it), but i'm starting to think that american english is very discriminatory. why? because of the (stupid) rule "i before e except after c". [i placed that period outside of the quotation marks on purpose]
what makes the letter "i" so important that it deserves to be in front of the "e" in every situation except when there's a "c" before them? What if the word just looks better with the "e" in front of the "i" regardless of the consonant placed before the dual noun combo? I know that this rule isn't specifically an american english problem... but I think that non-american english attempts to make up for the "e" discrimination by arbitrarily placing extra "e"s in their words. It may be a bandaid on a tumor, but at least they're making an effort. [i also like non-american english because I think it looks better to have the period outside of the quotation marks]
i could be wrong (it happens alot, and if that's the case i'll willingly admit to it), but i'm starting to think that american english is very discriminatory. why? because of the (stupid) rule "i before e except after c". [i placed that period outside of the quotation marks on purpose]
what makes the letter "i" so important that it deserves to be in front of the "e" in every situation except when there's a "c" before them? What if the word just looks better with the "e" in front of the "i" regardless of the consonant placed before the dual noun combo? I know that this rule isn't specifically an american english problem... but I think that non-american english attempts to make up for the "e" discrimination by arbitrarily placing extra "e"s in their words. It may be a bandaid on a tumor, but at least they're making an effort. [i also like non-american english because I think it looks better to have the period outside of the quotation marks]
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Squashed like a chipmunk
Today, as usual, I took the 832 bus home from school. At some point, this really fat dude ran across the road and the bus driver had to slam on the breaks so as not to hit the tub of lard. He (the fatso) made a face that indicated he was angry and crazy, and then kept on running.
1) I’ve always been kind of a fat kid, but this dude was huge. The kind of fat that makes you uncomfortable whenever he eats or talks about eating. He was running really slowly, with his mouth a little open. With every step, his face, lips, and neck would shake (this kind of running/quaking is the reason I could never watch Shaq play). I don’t hate him for being fat, but the fact that he is fat makes my hate for him stronger.
2) I hate when people cross the street where there isn’t a crosswalk, without looking and without waiting for a space in the traffic, and then act pissed when they almost get hit.
3) I hate that we didn’t hit him and smear his fat ass across the pavement.
1) I’ve always been kind of a fat kid, but this dude was huge. The kind of fat that makes you uncomfortable whenever he eats or talks about eating. He was running really slowly, with his mouth a little open. With every step, his face, lips, and neck would shake (this kind of running/quaking is the reason I could never watch Shaq play). I don’t hate him for being fat, but the fact that he is fat makes my hate for him stronger.
2) I hate when people cross the street where there isn’t a crosswalk, without looking and without waiting for a space in the traffic, and then act pissed when they almost get hit.
3) I hate that we didn’t hit him and smear his fat ass across the pavement.
teenaged boys in nice cars
I like them a lot. they say witty things when they get in sufficiently large numbers that they probably wouldn't say when they are driving alone. they said something to me this afternoon as i rode down that street that goes along the beach. you know... that one that every one likes.
then, when i pulled up next to them and looked over at their crammed mercedes... none of them even had the balls to say what they had shouted 50 yards ago.
cowards.
reminds me of my mission. bunch of people talking sh*t, and then when you are looking right at them they turn all yeller. be a freaking man and own up to it.
i think they said "nice ass, i like your jeans."
then, when i pulled up next to them and looked over at their crammed mercedes... none of them even had the balls to say what they had shouted 50 yards ago.
cowards.
reminds me of my mission. bunch of people talking sh*t, and then when you are looking right at them they turn all yeller. be a freaking man and own up to it.
i think they said "nice ass, i like your jeans."
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
i'd rather be a whore than a rapist, right?
many or you--readers and contributors of in on the killtaker--know me solely as a blogger. this worries me. mostly because i'm a subpar, esoteric (i got that word from a thesaurus) and hateful blogger; decidedly not interesting or inviting. i'd go so far as to say, based on comments and blogs directed at me, an a-hole.
this is all fine (and possibly good). i'm not losing sleep over it. (i don't sleep well but that's because i'm in the middle of a spiritual crisis and am scared to death of death.) but, given that this is a hate blog, i want all of you out there to hate the real-me not just the blogger-me.
but how do i convey the real-me (which may be a meaningless concept) in blog form?
then it hit me: campus ladies
campus ladies is like the best tv show ever! two middle-aged women go to college, live in the dorms, have a 18 year-old roommate, the funniest ra in the world and they're best friends with an iranian and a kid from tennessee. like all college students they experiment with drugs, pull all nighters, have one-night-stands, question their sexuality and go to cancun on spring break. obviously this is the best show ever (but wonder showzen still has a special place in my heart).
i love campus ladies so much and i want everyone with any sense of humor to love campus ladies. i want to be a missionary for campus ladies. but that's not what this post is about. (fight and i are working on a project that should fulfill our campus ladies missionary aspirations.) rather i like to think of my love of campus ladies as being my defining characteristic. i want campus ladies to be a description of me.
example:
someone who does know me: do you know brian?
someone who doesn't know me: no, what's he like?
someone who does know me: well, he loves campus ladies and you'll probably hate him.
that's me. or rather, that's how i wish to be perceived. i know there's a difference, but what am i to do especially when i don't believe in free will.
so all of you who hate me hate me for loving campus ladies. or for being a jerk.
this is all fine (and possibly good). i'm not losing sleep over it. (i don't sleep well but that's because i'm in the middle of a spiritual crisis and am scared to death of death.) but, given that this is a hate blog, i want all of you out there to hate the real-me not just the blogger-me.
but how do i convey the real-me (which may be a meaningless concept) in blog form?
then it hit me: campus ladies
campus ladies is like the best tv show ever! two middle-aged women go to college, live in the dorms, have a 18 year-old roommate, the funniest ra in the world and they're best friends with an iranian and a kid from tennessee. like all college students they experiment with drugs, pull all nighters, have one-night-stands, question their sexuality and go to cancun on spring break. obviously this is the best show ever (but wonder showzen still has a special place in my heart).
i love campus ladies so much and i want everyone with any sense of humor to love campus ladies. i want to be a missionary for campus ladies. but that's not what this post is about. (fight and i are working on a project that should fulfill our campus ladies missionary aspirations.) rather i like to think of my love of campus ladies as being my defining characteristic. i want campus ladies to be a description of me.
example:
someone who does know me: do you know brian?
someone who doesn't know me: no, what's he like?
someone who does know me: well, he loves campus ladies and you'll probably hate him.
that's me. or rather, that's how i wish to be perceived. i know there's a difference, but what am i to do especially when i don't believe in free will.
so all of you who hate me hate me for loving campus ladies. or for being a jerk.
Monday, October 16, 2006
better to give than receive?
in some cases it may be true that it's better to give than receive, but not when the gift being given is harassment. right now i hate my boss' boss. there is a little lady in our group that just turned 50, and for the last 5 months everyone in the building was informed of the fact that she was turning 50. my boss' manager took it upon himself to plaster her cubicle with (non-funny) jokes about the fact that she's turning 50. i felt bad for her because she was obliged to give the half chuckle to get him to shut the hell up and leave her alone for the rest of the day.
well, i guess after 5 months of harassment, she decided to turn the tables. as I walked through the building towards my office i saw a simple piece of paper posted on this dude's door. I stopped and read what it said. It was very simple, direct and to the point. I anti-hated it. I was amazed at how funny this lady was, she had made a "retirement announcement" including the "acheivements" of this guy's career (don't get your hopes up, he's not really leaving). I almost pee'd my pants it was so funny.
one would hope that someone so willing to dish out burns(even if they are ill-fated attempts) would be able to appreciate a good burn back at them. turns out, he can't. he's been sulking all morning and acting like he's suffered a serious anal injury. it's even more funny because the note was completely anonymous but everyone with a brain knew who made it.
all in all, i hate stupid fat and ugly managers.
well, i guess after 5 months of harassment, she decided to turn the tables. as I walked through the building towards my office i saw a simple piece of paper posted on this dude's door. I stopped and read what it said. It was very simple, direct and to the point. I anti-hated it. I was amazed at how funny this lady was, she had made a "retirement announcement" including the "acheivements" of this guy's career (don't get your hopes up, he's not really leaving). I almost pee'd my pants it was so funny.
one would hope that someone so willing to dish out burns(even if they are ill-fated attempts) would be able to appreciate a good burn back at them. turns out, he can't. he's been sulking all morning and acting like he's suffered a serious anal injury. it's even more funny because the note was completely anonymous but everyone with a brain knew who made it.
all in all, i hate stupid fat and ugly managers.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
missed opportunity
i hate that i didn't make a post this morning when i first logged into blogger and missed the chance to be the 69th post of this blog. That would have been a pretty special way to break my hate blog strawberry.
i hate mormons
because 90% of them are douche bags. yeah you reader. but i like whitney.
title
what's the deal with all these anonymous hate comments? at first i kind of understood why you'd want to hide your identity. the jokes just weren't funny. i'd be embarrassed to leave my name behind those comments. but the right-hand/left-hand thing was pretty funny. you really should take credit for that. all you'd have to do is post a comment under your name then say somthing like, "i heard from brian's left-hand that . . ."
the only other reason i can think that you'd want to leave your comments anonymous is because your in a tough situation. you have a big crush on me but all your friends hate me, so you post anonymously to save face with your friends but also so i don't know it's you writing those comments. but i promise i won't get my feelings hurt. and, if you keep writing funny disses like the right-hand/left-hand thing, i may even begin to get a crush on you.
or the comments are being left by mr. p and he doesn't want his mormon friends to know that he swears. but i understand that. mormons can be so judgmental.
the only other reason i can think that you'd want to leave your comments anonymous is because your in a tough situation. you have a big crush on me but all your friends hate me, so you post anonymously to save face with your friends but also so i don't know it's you writing those comments. but i promise i won't get my feelings hurt. and, if you keep writing funny disses like the right-hand/left-hand thing, i may even begin to get a crush on you.
or the comments are being left by mr. p and he doesn't want his mormon friends to know that he swears. but i understand that. mormons can be so judgmental.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
stopping by the woods on a snowy [censored]ing evening
i hate it when people say they hate swearing but think it's fine to faux-swear. this isn't directed at mr. p, but rather a general complaint.
swearing. what's the big deal? most of the time they're just meaningless words. [censored], for instance. nearly every time i use it it's divorced from it's original (and possibly offensive) meaning. last night, when i was drawing heaven, i captioned the picture "heaven is [censored]ing awesome!" in this instance it's like raising the awesomeness of heaven the nth. most of the times i use [censored] i just mean something like "to the max!" personally, i almost never use [censored] to mean sex. so i don't really understand how it's offensive.
i am, however, offended by other types of speech. racist, sexist or homophobic words really offend me. so i know that certain people are genuinely offended by swears. so i want to apologize for offending anyone with my choice of words.
but i think it's bull[censored] when people say they don't swear for [censored] knows why but still use fake swears like effing or thucka or whatever. when i here someone using effing, i know--and everyone knows--that they're really saying [censored]ing but are either to scared or to self-righteous to actually swear. shame on you if you do that. but i do think using effing and other fake swear words can be funny in certain situations.
finally, swearing is just so [censored]ing funny. if you don't think so, just watch this (but all the swears are bleeped out so no one should be too offended):
swearing. what's the big deal? most of the time they're just meaningless words. [censored], for instance. nearly every time i use it it's divorced from it's original (and possibly offensive) meaning. last night, when i was drawing heaven, i captioned the picture "heaven is [censored]ing awesome!" in this instance it's like raising the awesomeness of heaven the nth. most of the times i use [censored] i just mean something like "to the max!" personally, i almost never use [censored] to mean sex. so i don't really understand how it's offensive.
i am, however, offended by other types of speech. racist, sexist or homophobic words really offend me. so i know that certain people are genuinely offended by swears. so i want to apologize for offending anyone with my choice of words.
but i think it's bull[censored] when people say they don't swear for [censored] knows why but still use fake swears like effing or thucka or whatever. when i here someone using effing, i know--and everyone knows--that they're really saying [censored]ing but are either to scared or to self-righteous to actually swear. shame on you if you do that. but i do think using effing and other fake swear words can be funny in certain situations.
finally, swearing is just so [censored]ing funny. if you don't think so, just watch this (but all the swears are bleeped out so no one should be too offended):
Friday, October 13, 2006
wow. it is no wonder "whitney" is on here
because she is a total bitch. you can go ahead and suck on that, Whit.
one thing i hate and another i love; it's like the circle of life, man (ps: aaron, did you see the lion king joke on the office tonight?)
what i currently hate:
i mean besides my dumpster slut brother. so wasn't there a blog defending provo on here earlier? or did i dream that? either way, the avoiding the appearance of evil was like the funniest thing i've read on this blog. so where did it go? i hate when people post funny blogs and then pull them.
what i love:
a month or so ago i came up with the best idea for a movie ever. ready for it? seriously, are you ready?
et-mothafucking-2!!! so the premise is that elliot is in graduate school (studying botany) and then the phone rings at his house and he answers it and it's et. he's phoning (elliot at) home. et asks elliot to visit his planet. elliot accepts. on et's planet, et is president of the world because he became a world-wide hero after he got back from earth. when elliot is on et's planet, he the watches a re-release of a movie called "get me off this planet". it's exactly like the earth movie called "et" except they have puppet humans. except in the re-release all the puppet humans have been replaced by cgi humans. then they want to do science experiments on elliot and et has to smuggle elliot back to earth.
i mean besides my dumpster slut brother. so wasn't there a blog defending provo on here earlier? or did i dream that? either way, the avoiding the appearance of evil was like the funniest thing i've read on this blog. so where did it go? i hate when people post funny blogs and then pull them.
what i love:
a month or so ago i came up with the best idea for a movie ever. ready for it? seriously, are you ready?
et-mothafucking-2!!! so the premise is that elliot is in graduate school (studying botany) and then the phone rings at his house and he answers it and it's et. he's phoning (elliot at) home. et asks elliot to visit his planet. elliot accepts. on et's planet, et is president of the world because he became a world-wide hero after he got back from earth. when elliot is on et's planet, he the watches a re-release of a movie called "get me off this planet". it's exactly like the earth movie called "et" except they have puppet humans. except in the re-release all the puppet humans have been replaced by cgi humans. then they want to do science experiments on elliot and et has to smuggle elliot back to earth.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
I hate people that hate on Rachael Ray
Just because Rachael Ray's totally annoying and makes totally crappy recipes and says things like "yum-oh" doesn't mean you have to be a hater bex. Probably you'd be best friends with her if you met her on the street. Or if you ran into her when you were both shopping at Chico's.
I can't believe that Rachael Ray has her own tv show(s)
i hate her weird husky voice
i hate how loud she talks
i hate her big mouth
i hate her fake tan
I hate that she sells her own knives in an orange case for $99
i hate her outfits most of the time
i hate when she shortens words to make them cuter, like when she says "de-lish" or "yum-oh"
i hate that the second my roommate comes home, she turns her show on (because my roommate tivos everything rachel ray does on television)
i hate how loud she talks
i hate her big mouth
i hate her fake tan
I hate that she sells her own knives in an orange case for $99
i hate her outfits most of the time
i hate when she shortens words to make them cuter, like when she says "de-lish" or "yum-oh"
i hate that the second my roommate comes home, she turns her show on (because my roommate tivos everything rachel ray does on television)
some more stuffs.
1. I actually only hate Provo because I am old and single and it is young and married.
2. also I hate hipsters.
3. also name droppers (LOL)
4. but especially hipster name-droppers.
5. drew danbury played at my dirty thirty.
6. I really can't tell you the results of that, bitch.
7. I hate slow art
8. also the way that filmmakers think they are better than painters.
9. F.U., filmmakers!
10. mostly I just hate the giant rock star in the middle of the "vibe's" windshield.
11. the bran' new vibe is named "Mr. Charles Sweetie". I don't hate that. at all.
12. I hate the way I'm always blushing and witless around my crush.
13. also I hate the way I get so jealous and act like I'm 12.
otherwise, I'm cool.
love,
mp
2. also I hate hipsters.
3. also name droppers (LOL)
4. but especially hipster name-droppers.
5. drew danbury played at my dirty thirty.
6. I really can't tell you the results of that, bitch.
7. I hate slow art
8. also the way that filmmakers think they are better than painters.
9. F.U., filmmakers!
10. mostly I just hate the giant rock star in the middle of the "vibe's" windshield.
11. the bran' new vibe is named "Mr. Charles Sweetie". I don't hate that. at all.
12. I hate the way I'm always blushing and witless around my crush.
13. also I hate the way I get so jealous and act like I'm 12.
otherwise, I'm cool.
love,
mp
i thought we won the revolutionary war
i hate it when people put punctuation marks on the outside of quotation marks. and i'm looking at you, asshole. i'll quote from my brother's last blog: "they're both pretty bad just like yoda is a pretty bad and selfish jedi 'master'." what the fuck is that all about? i thought this was america.
if you want to know the general rules of quotation marks and punctuation, look here. in brief, if you're from writing in the united states you place commas and periods inside quotation marks even if what you're quoting has none. however, you do not place semi-colons inside quotation marks.
to be clear, i hate grammar rules so much. well, that's not entirely true. i hate the idea of perscriptive grammar. since human language preceded grammar, grammar can only be a description of language. plus, and this is especially true for american english, language isn't constant but is constantly changing. so whatever is grammatical one day doesn't mean shit the next day. we evolved language capabilities; god didn't set up the grammar rules in the council in heaven.
but this problem i have with quotations and punctuations is related to my problem with grammar snobs. one thing almost all snobs in the us have in common is a love of all things british. for instance, you can tell a person is a snob if they like the british office more than the american office. a non-snob will tell you they're both great.
similarly, citizens of the united states who insist on placing periods and commas outside of quotation marks are exactly like those jerks who refuse to give the us office a chance.
aaron, i thought you we're better than than that. you we're my brother. i loved you. you were the chosen one. and so on.
if you want to know the general rules of quotation marks and punctuation, look here. in brief, if you're from writing in the united states you place commas and periods inside quotation marks even if what you're quoting has none. however, you do not place semi-colons inside quotation marks.
to be clear, i hate grammar rules so much. well, that's not entirely true. i hate the idea of perscriptive grammar. since human language preceded grammar, grammar can only be a description of language. plus, and this is especially true for american english, language isn't constant but is constantly changing. so whatever is grammatical one day doesn't mean shit the next day. we evolved language capabilities; god didn't set up the grammar rules in the council in heaven.
but this problem i have with quotations and punctuations is related to my problem with grammar snobs. one thing almost all snobs in the us have in common is a love of all things british. for instance, you can tell a person is a snob if they like the british office more than the american office. a non-snob will tell you they're both great.
similarly, citizens of the united states who insist on placing periods and commas outside of quotation marks are exactly like those jerks who refuse to give the us office a chance.aaron, i thought you we're better than than that. you we're my brother. i loved you. you were the chosen one. and so on.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
inspired by hate
this is inspired by item #11 in marshall p's post. the other weekend i was in a little town where some of you went to school. i can understand why you'd go there, a good school at a very affordable price. practical & thrifty. gotcha. i unhate you. and this isn't a provost hate post either. but i do hate some people in provost.
provost, on its own merit isn't that cool of a place. it's a sleepy, homogenized, sterile town otherwise lacking a lot of things that great towns/cities have.
some people are aware of the fact that in the worlds eyes (and this is REALLY important to them), provost isn't that cool of a place. so they try to justify their existence there by being super into their image. what they wear, what they listen to, who they associate with... they build this little enclave of elitism around themselves, and in the process relegate those who don't match up as inferior. it's the most shallow crap i've ever seen in my life. they are so concerned with what they are "all about" that they completely miss the point of going to school. it's also really lame that they belittle those who don't match up with their idea of "cool."
everywhere else in the world got over this somewhere between middle school and high school. you are lame. and so is your effing band. move to a big city and find the real world. please.
Monday, October 09, 2006
what's the deal with bob costas?
have you ever really watched this guy? i mean really really watched this guy?
i'm pretty overwhelmed with the subject matter. where do i even begin? i wanted to set up some bob costas context (or bob costext?), but that would mean i would have to do a little work looking for costas quotes and costas clips. so fuck that. i'm getting (relatively) straight to the point.
here's what bob said on football night in america:
"now to the absurdly hyped return of t.o. to philadelphia. the return wasn't as warm and fresh as a philly cheese-steak right out of the oven, but the game was darn good."
i've been trying to unpack this statement since last night. looking at the first sentence, the awkwardness comes from the double qualification of absurdly and hyped. granted that t.o.'s return to philadelphia was hyped to levels bordering on absurdity, but bob costas and his show are as guilty of this over-hype as anyone. maybe he means absurd in an existential sense. maybe not. maybe he's taking a jab at his own show and sports coverage in general. but that doesn't seem like bob costas. he's an asshole. and assholes have a difficult time making fun of themselves.
as weird as the first sentence was, the second is weirder. bob said it with this kind of smirk on his face; like he was about to bust up laughing before he finished the joke. here's how i imagine the pre-show meeting went:
bob costas: i wrote this line about t.o.'s return.
co-workers: what is it?
bob: the return wasn't as warm and fresh as a philly cheese-steak
co-workers: that's not funny
bob: yes it is. philly cheese-steaks are the identity of philadelphia
co-workers: no there not and that joke makes no sense. don't use it.
but bob believed in the joke so much he used it without permission. but he's bob fucking costas; no one tells him what to do.
i think i figured out the problem with his joke, besides it not being interesting. warm and fresh are both ambiguous words so it's supposed to be a play on words. the philly cheese-steak refers to physical characteristics of the sandwich having to do with heat and how old the bread is. warm and fresh do have other meanings--how a movie makes you feel warm, which is different from a space-heater, or how fresh used to be used in hip hop. however, the return of t.o. can neither be warm or fresh in any sense of the words. so the joke doesn't make any sense. and bob costas is still an (fat and ugly and stupid) idiot.
i'm pretty overwhelmed with the subject matter. where do i even begin? i wanted to set up some bob costas context (or bob costext?), but that would mean i would have to do a little work looking for costas quotes and costas clips. so fuck that. i'm getting (relatively) straight to the point.
here's what bob said on football night in america:
"now to the absurdly hyped return of t.o. to philadelphia. the return wasn't as warm and fresh as a philly cheese-steak right out of the oven, but the game was darn good."
i've been trying to unpack this statement since last night. looking at the first sentence, the awkwardness comes from the double qualification of absurdly and hyped. granted that t.o.'s return to philadelphia was hyped to levels bordering on absurdity, but bob costas and his show are as guilty of this over-hype as anyone. maybe he means absurd in an existential sense. maybe not. maybe he's taking a jab at his own show and sports coverage in general. but that doesn't seem like bob costas. he's an asshole. and assholes have a difficult time making fun of themselves.
as weird as the first sentence was, the second is weirder. bob said it with this kind of smirk on his face; like he was about to bust up laughing before he finished the joke. here's how i imagine the pre-show meeting went:
bob costas: i wrote this line about t.o.'s return.
co-workers: what is it?
bob: the return wasn't as warm and fresh as a philly cheese-steak
co-workers: that's not funny
bob: yes it is. philly cheese-steaks are the identity of philadelphia
co-workers: no there not and that joke makes no sense. don't use it.
but bob believed in the joke so much he used it without permission. but he's bob fucking costas; no one tells him what to do.
i think i figured out the problem with his joke, besides it not being interesting. warm and fresh are both ambiguous words so it's supposed to be a play on words. the philly cheese-steak refers to physical characteristics of the sandwich having to do with heat and how old the bread is. warm and fresh do have other meanings--how a movie makes you feel warm, which is different from a space-heater, or how fresh used to be used in hip hop. however, the return of t.o. can neither be warm or fresh in any sense of the words. so the joke doesn't make any sense. and bob costas is still an (fat and ugly and stupid) idiot.
IN-troducing: a bran' new hater
Hi. I'm Marshall P. and I am a hater. a few of the things I hate are:
1. the fact that I didn't think of this first.
2. people who think of things first.
3. the way I feel like I'm going to puke all the time.
4. hating, in general.
5. my neighbor (who is a hater). He should be on this so he can vent his hate for the house full of young, hot girls (including me)that he lives next door to... instead of calling the police every time any of us sneezes.
6. being old
7. death
8. hate websites
9. celebreality
10. real New Yorkers
11. Provo
12. John Meyer
13. Phish fans
14. small paychecks
15. anyone from the zipcode of "90210"
16. all of the O.C.
17. 30 minute parking
18. deciding if I'm going to keep my car
19. rudeness
20. expensive warranties
ok, that's all I can think of right now. have a nice day, haters.
love,
m-pen
1. the fact that I didn't think of this first.
2. people who think of things first.
3. the way I feel like I'm going to puke all the time.
4. hating, in general.
5. my neighbor (who is a hater). He should be on this so he can vent his hate for the house full of young, hot girls (including me)that he lives next door to... instead of calling the police every time any of us sneezes.
6. being old
7. death
8. hate websites
9. celebreality
10. real New Yorkers
11. Provo
12. John Meyer
13. Phish fans
14. small paychecks
15. anyone from the zipcode of "90210"
16. all of the O.C.
17. 30 minute parking
18. deciding if I'm going to keep my car
19. rudeness
20. expensive warranties
ok, that's all I can think of right now. have a nice day, haters.
love,
m-pen
Saturday, October 07, 2006
just close your eyes sit back & enjoy it...
as it turns out, i hate looking at people when they're singing. i mean, i always knew i did, but i am just now piecing it together more clearly. it kind of ruins the experience for me.
i first noticed this displeasure when watching conference on tv. as much as i wanted to, i couldn't pry my face away from the closeups of all of the members of the mormon tabernacle choir. it totally ruins the spirit of the hymn when you're thinking about weird facial expressions and poor makeup choices. lately, i've made it a practice to not look at the screen when the motab starts singing. its way easier to feel the spirit. another good idea is to go to the bathroom. that way, you don't have to see their faces and you don't miss a talk for your pee break.
a few people i especially can't look at when they're singing:
john mayer--it almost made me hate him in general as a musician. but i've trained myself to look away and not picture his weird, distorted faces when he's singing. so his cd is still safely in my collection.
whitney houston--not that i ever listen to her anymore, but back in the 80s i had to close my eyes because i can't handle how sweaty her upper lip gets. seriously, what is that?
tyra banks--wait...no...not singing...i just hate her face. hate
any member of a boy band--not even because they are in a boy band. just because they always looks so pleading and sad. and gay. and i mean "gay" in the literal sense. (insert "not that there's anything wrong with it" or "i have gay friends" here _______________________).
ellis paul--so, i went to this show at velour on thursday night and there was this guy performing named ellis paul who was a folk artist. i really liked him. after he sang his first song, i didn't like him. i wasn't sure why, but then i realized its because i hated so bad the way his face (mouth) moved when he sang. then i just focused visually on other things and i liked him a lot. (i also have a theory that his name is actually paul ellis, but he just uses ellis paul as his stage name. i mean, let's be honest, no one's name is ellis. he probably just saw "ellis, paul" written on legal documents his whole life and thought it looked good and went with that. i support his decision).
i first noticed this displeasure when watching conference on tv. as much as i wanted to, i couldn't pry my face away from the closeups of all of the members of the mormon tabernacle choir. it totally ruins the spirit of the hymn when you're thinking about weird facial expressions and poor makeup choices. lately, i've made it a practice to not look at the screen when the motab starts singing. its way easier to feel the spirit. another good idea is to go to the bathroom. that way, you don't have to see their faces and you don't miss a talk for your pee break.
a few people i especially can't look at when they're singing:
john mayer--it almost made me hate him in general as a musician. but i've trained myself to look away and not picture his weird, distorted faces when he's singing. so his cd is still safely in my collection.
whitney houston--not that i ever listen to her anymore, but back in the 80s i had to close my eyes because i can't handle how sweaty her upper lip gets. seriously, what is that?
tyra banks--wait...no...not singing...i just hate her face. hate
any member of a boy band--not even because they are in a boy band. just because they always looks so pleading and sad. and gay. and i mean "gay" in the literal sense. (insert "not that there's anything wrong with it" or "i have gay friends" here _______________________).
ellis paul--so, i went to this show at velour on thursday night and there was this guy performing named ellis paul who was a folk artist. i really liked him. after he sang his first song, i didn't like him. i wasn't sure why, but then i realized its because i hated so bad the way his face (mouth) moved when he sang. then i just focused visually on other things and i liked him a lot. (i also have a theory that his name is actually paul ellis, but he just uses ellis paul as his stage name. i mean, let's be honest, no one's name is ellis. he probably just saw "ellis, paul" written on legal documents his whole life and thought it looked good and went with that. i support his decision).
Friday, October 06, 2006
I hate Pies in the face
unless I am on the "hand" side of that pie.
i think god and satan are fighting over me
in my last entry, i mentioned i'm sympathetic towards satanists. did this bother god? i thought it didn't because either (1) (s)he doesn't exist or (2) (s)he knows my heart and finds my sense of humor refreshing. but maybe i don't understand god. i mean, if god is infinite and we're finite, how can we understand anything about god?
when i entered in the address for this website this morning, i was taken here. actually, i misspelled the address. i typed in jetpackcobras.blogpsot.com instead of jetpackcobras.blogspot.com. i guess my right-pinky is faster than my left-ring-finger.
this other jetpackcobras website is better than ours. there's information on the rapture and christ coming back to earth and how unsaved people sometimes look like they've been saved and the antichrist and the two witnesses and the pending russian invasion of isreal and everything you'd ever want to know about real christianity.
but i don't get it. there is no way this website's address actually has jetpackcobras in it. so how did i end up there? god? it's the only answer i can think of. so god doesn't want me to become a member of the church of satan and does want me to start getting prepared for the end of the world.
i know a lot of contributors like to talk about how they hate the internet. but i love it. i think it's like the best thing ever. and now, it may be the reason i end up in heaven.
when i entered in the address for this website this morning, i was taken here. actually, i misspelled the address. i typed in jetpackcobras.blogpsot.com instead of jetpackcobras.blogspot.com. i guess my right-pinky is faster than my left-ring-finger.
this other jetpackcobras website is better than ours. there's information on the rapture and christ coming back to earth and how unsaved people sometimes look like they've been saved and the antichrist and the two witnesses and the pending russian invasion of isreal and everything you'd ever want to know about real christianity.
but i don't get it. there is no way this website's address actually has jetpackcobras in it. so how did i end up there? god? it's the only answer i can think of. so god doesn't want me to become a member of the church of satan and does want me to start getting prepared for the end of the world.
i know a lot of contributors like to talk about how they hate the internet. but i love it. i think it's like the best thing ever. and now, it may be the reason i end up in heaven.
i hate being so succeptible to filthy infomercials
so i watched this infomercial about the "ultimate cleanse" and how i was probably carrying around a bunch of toxic fecal matter in my colon... and how was i supposed to respond. of course i'm plagued with fear about the layers upon layers of material caked onto my colon. i'm sure it works, check out this review.i'm scared.
everytime i watch one of those damn things i'm convinced i need a new food dehydrator, something that takes the scuffs and scratches off my car, a rotisserie oven, a juicemaker, a golf club that will make me rich and sexy, real estate tapes cause i'll always be poor unlike that gold chain wearing midget with raybans, sharper knives to cut the food i'll never make, vacuums with the strength to pick up all the bowling balls i leave around the house. i'm a mess, i'm not sure what to buy. thanks a lot ron popeil. i hate you.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
i hate people who suck decemberists cock
i hope they choke.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
tyra banks is not cool
i hate her. she loves herself so much and she is so lame. i hate her stupid talk show. i've never seen it, but i hate that she even has one. i like "next top model", but not the her part. she usually looks like a drag queen and i hate every stupid, ugly thing she says. i wish they'd send her home.
It's time to hate the Aged.
Not all old people, just all old people on TV. Usually they are trying to do something wacky or asking me "What's in YOUR wallet?" as if they are totally extreme. Well I have news for you, Old people aren't even "kind of" extreme. I hate when old people doing wacky things is supposed by be funny.
Here is a general rule of thumb, when you have an old person on TV there are only two ways to make them funny:
1. if they innexplicably explode, HARD
2. if they fall down and break a hip (It's funny because it is true).
If you are not going to do that Mr. and Mrs. Advertisers than just respect our elders* and let them die in the quiet ignominy of rest homes.
* not the misisonaries.
Here is a general rule of thumb, when you have an old person on TV there are only two ways to make them funny:
1. if they innexplicably explode, HARD
2. if they fall down and break a hip (It's funny because it is true).
If you are not going to do that Mr. and Mrs. Advertisers than just respect our elders* and let them die in the quiet ignominy of rest homes.
* not the misisonaries.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
the beatles were totally satanist
i just saw the worst commercial ever. maybe even the worst thing ever. but probably just the worst commercial ever. i searched and search and searched (for like five minutes [and i don't mean like minutes the way rappers do where a minute means a long period of time but literally five minutes]) and couldn't find a video clip of this commercial online. i guess i have to try and describe the commercial. i hate that.
this is our country: a description of the new chevy silverado commercial in paragraph form
it opens with some john (cougar?) mellencamp song that repeats the line--and you have to imagine this in a john (cougar?) mellencamp voice--"this is our country" over and over some cliched contemporary adult rock song. that sounds bad enough, but it gets worse. there's a shot of john (cougar?) himself strumming away on his guitar and singing his little heart out. bad, but it still gets worse. then, over the backdrop of the hypno-patriot music, we see some of the most famous american images of the last fifty years including, but not limited to, rosa parks, vietnam war protests, nixon doing something, the aftermath of hurricane katrina, a nighttime skyline shot of new york city with two beams of light where the twin towers used to be and firefighters. then we see the new chevy silverado truck somewhere in rural america. the commercial closes with a catch-phrase that i may be paraphrasing: "our country. our truck."
when i saw this, i became physically ill. i saw when the levees break last month so the inclusion of hurricane katrina seemed unconscionable. but rosa parks!?! come on! what the fuck does any of this have to do with a fucking truck? total bullshit. this is worse than the commercial subway ran right after september 11th, 2001. this is so bad it must be satanic.
but is being satanic that bad?
my roommate is a sometimes satanist and a really great guy. plus, i generally think that satan and satan-worshippers unfairly get a bad rap. if god created everything, didn't he create satan? so can satan be all bad?
my point: if you're going to buy a truck make it a silverado. unless you hate the beatles.
oh yeah, an earlier version of the add featured a mushroom cloud. guess what country is the only country to be attacked by nuclear bombs? and guess what country has the most successful car companies?
this is our country: a description of the new chevy silverado commercial in paragraph form
it opens with some john (cougar?) mellencamp song that repeats the line--and you have to imagine this in a john (cougar?) mellencamp voice--"this is our country" over and over some cliched contemporary adult rock song. that sounds bad enough, but it gets worse. there's a shot of john (cougar?) himself strumming away on his guitar and singing his little heart out. bad, but it still gets worse. then, over the backdrop of the hypno-patriot music, we see some of the most famous american images of the last fifty years including, but not limited to, rosa parks, vietnam war protests, nixon doing something, the aftermath of hurricane katrina, a nighttime skyline shot of new york city with two beams of light where the twin towers used to be and firefighters. then we see the new chevy silverado truck somewhere in rural america. the commercial closes with a catch-phrase that i may be paraphrasing: "our country. our truck."
when i saw this, i became physically ill. i saw when the levees break last month so the inclusion of hurricane katrina seemed unconscionable. but rosa parks!?! come on! what the fuck does any of this have to do with a fucking truck? total bullshit. this is worse than the commercial subway ran right after september 11th, 2001. this is so bad it must be satanic.
but is being satanic that bad?
my roommate is a sometimes satanist and a really great guy. plus, i generally think that satan and satan-worshippers unfairly get a bad rap. if god created everything, didn't he create satan? so can satan be all bad?
my point: if you're going to buy a truck make it a silverado. unless you hate the beatles.
oh yeah, an earlier version of the add featured a mushroom cloud. guess what country is the only country to be attacked by nuclear bombs? and guess what country has the most successful car companies?
I hate cancer
Sunday, October 01, 2006
if joaquin is singin', then it's a musical
i hate when people think movies like walk the line or ray aren't musicals. of course they're musicals. they sing like the entire movie. but i hate both of those movies. probably because they're musicals. and if you're going to make a musical, it better be fuckin great.
here are my favorite musicals:
singin' in the rain
dancer in the dark
night of the hunter
west side story
42nd street
here are my favorite musicals:
singin' in the rain
dancer in the dark
night of the hunter
west side story
42nd street
