people in high places are in on the killtaker

1 when you crack one open it's like having some pregnant ladies water break all over your hands.
2 cocnuts kill more people each year than great white sharks.
2.1 i know i hate coconuts, but this is true.
3 i used to work at a grocery store and when i'd stock bags of shredded cocnut my hands would get all greasy; sealed plastic bags cannot even contain coconut grossness.
4 coconuts taste gross.
4.1 that statement is opinion but it's a fact that i believe it is true.
5 jesus told me in a dream that coconuts are evil.
5.1 it was less of a dream and more of my imagination.
5.2 actually it was all imagination.
6 when people order cocnut lattes i tell them to go to hell.
6.1 that's not true, but i wish it was.

I don't hate the diva stance, the fist pumping, or the 'can opener' dancing. I don't even hate the "It's Raining Men." But I do hate that Whitney thinks this kind of jolliness is going to make up for the fact that she learned how to play piano on her laptop keyboard and wants me to name that tune, name that tune!

(It was the theme for Jurassic Park)

I've been a bit on the moody side lately, so I realize that it's not really fair for me to expect her to know when walk-squatting around the house to the beat of an ABBA song is going to make me laugh so hard I fall on the ground, and when it's going to make me not want to talk to her for a few minutes. But that doesn't mean I don't hate her.

Whitney forgot to mention that the love-proclaiming asshole also habitually smells like sour milk (Or something. It's hard to pinpoint) and has clammy hands. And despite that fact, he always manages to date girls that are way out of his league.

have you ever heard the phrase "write what you know"? i've heard it--multiple times. if i had to create some kind of graph or chart showing not only how often i've heard that phrase but also the ways i've heard that phrase i think that graph or chart would identify tv as the way i most often hear "write what you know." not that the tv tells me that, but whatever is on the tv keeps telling me. obviously. you know that; you've seen tv. usually i'm watching some show about people with writer's block and someone is like "write what you know." but maybe we're wrong. maybe it's the tv telling me to "write what [i] know." not only that, maybe tv is telling me all sorts of stuff--what to like, what to do with my freetime (watch tv), why my relationships don't work out, why i can't sleep, what the future should be like, why i hate everything and why my life is a mess. it's not the people creating tv telling me this but tv. the actual tv. not the actual, physical tv in my living room always staring at me but something like the idea of tv. a tv-oversoul. oversoul? what's that a reference to? i can't remember and i'm worried it's something stupid. but i'm leaving it in. i'm leaving everything in. maybe i should start another paragraph. nobody likes long paragraphs.

new paragraph. but i still want to talk about tv as some kind of organism. i know little to no microbiology but i did used to date a microbiologist, so maybe this analogy won't be terrible. it'll be pretty bad, but i'm leaving it in.

here it goes:

what if tv is a virus? not like a virus but an actual virus. like it's this living thing that we don't see but it's always there. it's there an it uses us for it's own survival. like how viruses can mimic their hosts' dna, actually encoding itself into the host then using the host to reproduce itself. tv gets inside all of us tricking us into thinking that our original ideas for tv--what tv means, how important it is, ideas for tv shows, new technology for enhanced tv viewing, new ways to advertise on tv--are ours when really tv encodes itself inside of us and simply uses us to reproduce itself in more advanced and dangerous ways. when i say dangerous i'm not talking about tv violence spawning real-life violence. that's bullshit. i'm talking about a tv takeover. a takeover that none of will even recognize. it's possible it has already happened. tv uses us to continually re-create itself. but i don't think it's too bad yet. it seems like, while we definitely have to give up on liberal humanism, we can still be involved in determining what it means to be human or posthuman or some kind of cybernetic adaptation of humans and tv. or maybe we need new definitions of what it means to be human, one that recognizes tv as a defining characteristic shaping (and possibly controlling) human awareness and/or existence. just remember that you can no longer, in good conscience, call you thoughts your own.

for becky: this blog is about how i hate liberal humanism.
for everyone: i don't hate tv.

i once had a mustache for four hours. it was pretty awesome. i shaved it because it kept rubbing on the corner of my lips which made me look like i had herpes of the mouth. if you're gonna have herpes it might as well be of the mouth. but i didn't have herpes and i didn't want the sides of my lips feeling like i had herpes of the mouth. so i shaved it. that was over a year ago. the only other person to see my mustache (besides myself) was my sister, teresa. but whatever. she liked the movie stick it. so did aaron. after he saw the movie he tried to become myspace friends with the girl from the movie. the one sporting (get it?) a bad brains t-shirt. my friend adam is the only person i know who likes bad brains more than me. he also knows some people in a new york based bad brains cover band called fearless vampire killers. that's probably the best possible name for a bad brains cover band. although pay to cum is a close second. i think this post was supposed to be about mustaches, but instead i want to talk about myspace. the other day, campus ladies invited me to be their friend on myspace. that was probably the second best thing ever.

mustaches. why do people always assume that people with mustaches are child molesters or look like they could be child molesters? if you are a sex offender, you are not going to sport (this time it's not a joke) a mustache. it's too obvious. saddam hussien may have killed a bunch of people but he wasn't a child molester; hitler may have been a vegetarian but he wasn't a child molester. you're more likely to commit war crimes if you sport a mustache. but i'm going to say that mustaches are coming back.

so get a load of this.

last week my teacher asked if we minded pushing the due date for a paper from a thursday, to the following tuesday. just as we were all raising our hands (note, ALL, but one), she stopped herself and said, "maybe i should word it this way, who doesn't want me to change the due date?"

so this one kid. a freaking law student. one of those joint degree kids says, "i don't, it's not fair. you advertised the paper due this day, so it's not fair to those of us who planned for this date."

i was completely unnerved.

someone said... "why not just turn it in on thursday then?"

he responded, "it's to my disadvantage to do that."

my teacher, not expecting a dissenting vote agreed to keep the paper due at the original time. i was FUMING. right after that we (all the first years) went to a workshop on resumes... we were all gossiping about this kid. we had to trade our resumes with our neighbor and get feedback. in the rumor mill i heard that mr. "i don't want to change the due date" put the fact that he's a "triathelete" on his resume.

so great, you are applying for a job. they don't care if you can run, swim and bike to work jerk. they want to know what skills you have. only an a-hole puts something like that on his resume.

next tuesday our teacher told the whole class that she had gotten a lot of email about what just transpired, and that she was going to proceed with postponing the due date.... as aaron would say, "in your face." i was so happy. she even said, "i don't want to put anyone on the spot, if you don't agree with this then let me know." i was just waiting for him to say something. because i seriously would've pounced on him. i was only three rows away, but i'm gangly and have got a reach, i definitely would've given him something to think about if he wanted to get sassy in class again.

but he stayed quiet. good thing. sucker would've gotten a mean stink-eye, and perhaps even a black eye.

table tennis, or what is onomatopoetically called ping pong, is like the best sport ever. well, technically soccer is the best sport, but it's so hard to find enough people to play and turn when you find people to play and then when you find enough people to play you still have to find a ball, a place to play and shorts to play in and then it's either too hot or too cold and even though you have so much fun playing--way funner than any ecstasy party i've been to and the ones i've been to are totally fun, you know, with like dancing and ouija boards and the rubber-band game and vest-jackets and banana chair surfing--you're so sore the next day. so soccer is the best sport (especially 2 on 2 indoor soccer played on a racquetball court) but sometimes ping pong is even better.

but you don't have to take my word for it:

(ok. i want to explain how i found these photos first. i thought the line was funny enough--you know, because we all watched reading rainbow growing up and pretend to like it now because we weren't so depressed when we were kids but childhood wasn't so great and neither was reading rainbow. maybe i was trying to be ironic, but that's not any better. i mean, do i think i'm better because i don't pretend to like reading rainbow? no. i'm still trying to define myself in terms of which products i consume[d] and which i didn't. so scrap the reference.)

(but why wouldn't i just erase the reference rather than writing about how i'm embarrassed i used it? i have a few ideas, but i don't want to spend another paragraph over-analyzing everything i write. it's not funny.)

(but if i did it enough times would it become funny?)

the internet is great. while watching parts of the patriots/colts game sunday night during commercials of prehistoric park i wondered if peyton manning is married. thanks to the internet i found the answer in less than ten minutes (or, more correctly, in less than or equal to ten minutes). he's married, but i couldn't find any pictures of the two of them. so i started looking for pictures of steve nash and his family. instead i found proof of how awesome ping pong is. (rebecca, feel free to use these pictures or even this entire post [or portions of it] on your blog because ping pong is always awesome.)

i may not have found pictures of nash and his girlfiend and/or kid(s), but i found this:


















but he's not the only awesome athlete who loves ping pong. there's ronnie brown, who looks like a killer doubles partner:
















sharapova plays in a dress which isn't that weird considering that she plays tennis in a dress:



































andy roddick plays




























against mandy moore





























i think i could take mandy moore
but it's not just bad actors who play. there's humphrey bogart


















audrey hepburn














and keanu reeves (who plays left-handed)















i would love to play any of those people. i think i could take mandy moore, bogart, and keanu if we were both stoned when we played. but if i had access to a time/space machine, i'd travel back to cuba shortly after the revolution to play castro.
















stoned or not, castro would beat me for sure. but it would be awesome.

if there's anyone i wouldn't want to play against, it would probably be mr. ed
















that horse's forehand looks like it could kill someone.