people in high places are in on the killtaker

i'm watching bad santa on tv. bad santa is, hands down, the best christmas movie ever. not that that's saying a lot. can you even think of another watchable christmas movie that doesn't have an elf wishing it could be a dentist? regardless, bad santa is a great movie. but here's the christmas miracle part: when i watch this movie on christmas (this is the first time i've ever done that), i realize that i don't hate christmas nearly as much as billy bob's character in bad santa. actually i don't know if that's a christmas miracle. i'm pretty sure i'll hate christmas as much as bill bob's character in 15 years. but this year i know i don't hate christmas as much as i should. partly because i can watch bad santa on tv. but this has it's drawbacks: they edit out all the swears.

did you know orrin hatch (yes, senator orrin hatch) recorded a christmas record? i haven't heard it, but it's gotta be great. doubting hatch's music credentials? listen to this:

"Music became an integral part of Orrin's life at a young age. Even though his parents, Helen and Jesse, were very poor, they made great sacrifices to allow their children to experiment with different instruments. At six years old, Orrin began taking piano lessons. Knowing how to play the piano gave him confidence to advance to the organ and violin.

"Lessons were not the only method Helen and Jesse used in helping their son develop an appreciation for music. Although they had to scrimp and save everything they could to round up $18.75 for student peanut-heaven seats, Orrin's parents made it possible for their children to attend every concert of the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra from when he was 12 years old until he left for college. He fondly recollects the burst of excitement he felt before each concert. His eagerness to attend the concert and his passion for the music carried him on his two-mile walk to and from each concert at the Syria Mosque."

so orrin hatch grew up poor. and now he's been in the senate for a billion years and records music including an album with the osmonds: second generation and a single titled "america united: a tribute to those who lost their lost their lives on semptember 11th." talk about a christmas miracle.

I hate when all the college kids come back from Christmas break and the area of Provo around our house is busy again. It hasn't happened yet, but I hate it so much that I'm already anticipating my anger and hate. College kids driving around on our streets (if driving in snow is so terrifying that you can't go more than eight miles an hour, maybe you should just take the bus), college kids at our grocery stores and our laundromat (I just want to get to the cold cereal aisle! Stop dilly-dallying. Get out of my way!). College kids being noisy in public places (God forbid someone doesn't notice how cute and funny we are!), building snowmen (OMG! That one's so funny! It's shoveling snow/sitting on a bench/holding hands with a snowgirl/showing its snow butt!), interacting with members of the opposite sex in the most dispicable ways. College kids breathing our air. I wish they'd all die while they're home for the holidays. I hate my peers.

I definately don't hate this comic:














you can click the comic for a bigger size, or you can see it here.

psyche!

does anyone know how to put yourself in a coma for like two days? because i'm wishin' i was in one. i've been sick and christmas is making me sicker.

we're not even going to focus on the fact that they don't spend any time with their children even when they are in the same state as them, therefore turning their children into needy, attention deprived monsters (that last word is a stretch [or complete lie], i actually love them. they're so cute [slash a pain in my probably-not-meant-to-be-a-nanny ass]). no, my hate for the people i'm nannying for stems from their innability (or disinterest) in thinking things through before leaving the state. how hard is it to think "hey, i wonder if our kids will need to eat while we're gone for two straight weeks", or "hey, since we left the fridge and pantry bare, i wonder if becky will need funds to purchase groceries for our children (and herself [what? its a perk!])", or "hey, there's no gas in the van, should we leave a debit card like we promised we would?" and lastly "hmm, if we forget all of the previously mentioned things, i wonder if becky is currently dirt poor and can't fund two weeks of our children's lives, and we should leave her money since these are, in fact, our kids...". do i need to explain my point further? i think everyone gets it. even the dead horse.

okay, so the second reason i hate them is because they thought it was a prime idea to schedule their van to be fixed 3 days after my arrival/their departure. so i had to have someone drive out here and drop off the van, leaving me carless. good thing the girls like walking to school (good thing i do too, but i still get to claim it as a point of complaint). but then i'm trapped in the house even when i do have all of those free hours during school and that just seems wrong somehow. and of course the car wasn't finished in three days like it was supposed to be, so i then had to borrow a car from my parents, forcing my dad to ride the bus (which he loves--but still, i get to claim this). oh, did i mention it was just body work being done?? WTF? what is wrong with you people? get the freaking body work done when you get back in town. its not detrimental and you're inconveniencing at least 8-10 people. if you're kids didn't worship me (this could be due to the neediness and in no way a reflection of my charming personality), and they weren't so stinking cute, i would have dropped them off in a random parking lot somewhere by now and driven off towards freedom (after the van was fixed, of course). i freaking hate you.

also, the house is haunted. but i don't really hate that.

even if you pretend not to, or don't consciously do it, you have expectations that your birthday is somehow going to be an above-average day, or a day that you don't want to kill yourself. but then the day comes along and you suddenly have to claim an older age than you did the day before, nobody--including your family--remembers to call you anyway, the day is less exciting than normal days, and at the end you want to kill yourself more than you usually do. i've decided that i'm not celebrating any birthdays. i don't think anyone should. but if people insist on asking me about mine, or calling me on mine, i've decided i'm regressing in years. so this year, i'll be turning 27 again. maybe i'll go down to 25 and then start going back up again. but that's only if i'm forced to aknowledge by birthday or age at all, of course. so, in conclusion, i'm excited to (not) be turning 27 again.



(and, no, i'm not writing this because its my birthday. today is not my birthday)

i was thinking about using the testimony-in-the-book-of-mormon gift for my family party this year but realized i told too many family members about the idea. if everybody knows it's me, it couldn't be thought of as a christmas miracle. so it was back to the drawing board except i don't know what a drawing board is. i was thinking of developing one of my 73 tv-show ideas into a pilot and give the tele-play as a white elephant gift. then i thought, "why settle for a television show when i could give a treatment of one of my 56 movie ideas as a gift." i settled on one i've already discussed on this blog: et ii.

et ii: i'll think of a subtitle later

the film takes place now. elliot--the very same elliot (but not necessarily the same actor)--is a graduate student working on a masters in botany. he's in his late twenties with longish, curly brown hair and a slight beard. he wears, from top-to-bottom, black adidas sambas, average blue levis, black sweatshirt over a light-colored plaid shirt (only the collar shows) and small-framed, non-descript glasses. elliot lives in a small, barely furnished apartment--maybe just a bed, desk and worn-out chair. on the wall above the desk is a georgia o'keefe flower calendar and some photos including a photo taken the halloween elliot spent with et. elliot is at his desk reading darwin. on the desk is a cream-colored rotary phone circa 1985. the phone rings, startling elliot.

elliot: hello?

cut to: a vertical split screen with et on the top and elliot on the bottom. both elliot and et use the same phone.

et: elliot! how's it going?

elliot: fine. who is this?

et: i'll give you a hint: years ago we used to go on bike rides together and occasionally those bikes would fly.

elliot: et!! what's happening? i haven't talked to you since i was a kid. i thought i'd never hear from you again. how are you?

et: pretty good. i just thought i'd phone you at home and see how things are going.

elliot: man, et, your english is great. you're pretty much fluent.

et: well, i have to admit, i'm using a voice-box translator. it automatically converts my language into yours.

elliot: oh. well, how can you understand me?

et: it also converts your language into mine.

elliot: i see. (beat.) so--

et: so i was wondering if you'd like to come and visit my planet. it's a lot like earth--similar atmosphere, mostly water--except there aren't any humans. well, live humans. we have some humans on display at the musuem of natural history. artifacts, fossils and the like.

elliot: from earth?

et: no. there where humaniods--remarkably similar to homosapiens--living on my planet about 500,00 earth years ago.

elliot: did they go extinct?

et: yeah.

elliot: what happened?

et: most ets think a giant asteriod hit our planet and caused their extinction, but i think it was a change in gravity caused by a difference in speed of the rotation of our planet that caused their extinction. but you won't see that theory represented at the musuem of natural history.

elliot: wait. your musuem is actually called the musuem of natural history? that's what we call it here.

et: actually, that's just the way the voice-box translates it.

elliot: oh.

et: so, do you want to come to my planet?

elliot: i'd love to, but i have this big test on friday. this test will make or break my grade.

et: no problem. i can have you back by friday. with our technology, you can spend up to three weeks on my planet for every day on yours.

elliot: how's that possible?

et: first you need to figure out super-string theory, then it'll make sense.

elliot: so your planet is in another dimension?

et: it's complicated.

elliot. ok. what should i bring?

et: just extra clothes--we don't wear any clothes so you should bring your own--and, i was wondering, could you bring some of those candies i love?

elliot: reeses pieces?

et: yeah.

elliot: ok. when are you picking me up?

et: i'll be there in an earth hour.

elliot: i'll see you then.

et: bye.

elliot hangs up the phone. the camera pulls back form a close up to a medium shot. elliot looks directly into the camera and jumps just like he's in a toyota commercial.

elliot: i'm going to space!

so that's the opening scene. from there it's all about the misunderstandings elliot has on et's planet. it's a comedy.

i still hate christmas, but i'm excited for this christms party. or rather i'm excited for when one of my cousins opens up this gift and gets totally depressed. the rest of the party will suck.

but who doesn't?

well, not too many people. but i can't understand it? why do people love christmas so much? it's not like we live in argentina where we could say things like, "man, i hate christmas but at least the weather is getting better." here it's so cold you just want to kill yourself. and that's without thinking about christmas. and then it's shopping, shopping, tv shows about shopping, work christmas parties (which you have to shop for), shopping, christmas songs everywhere, lights, shopping and shopping. and everyone is like, "i just love christmas because i love giving gifts." bullshit. well, maybe. but i still think it's giving to look good as opposed to some sort of platonic form about giving like giving is good in and of itself. or maybe that's that other guy. aristotle? did the ancient greeks have christmas? they probably invented it after they killed socrates. i hate ancient greece. except for that one play. i don't know, maybe i hate that too.

back to christmas. so i have this family christmas party every year with my mom's side of the family. we do some weird white elephant gift exchange and i feel like no one even cares. there's a five dollar limit so everyone buys stupid candy or place warmers (which i always want but never get) or slinkys. but it's white elephant? doesn't that mean you bring stuff from your home you don't want? last year i brought an extra copy of beckett's "waiting for godot" and my collection of simon and garfunkel records. these were two seperate gifts. but here was my original idea (and by original i mean that aaron's friend greg thought of it): get one of those free book of mormons and put a generic testimony in the front. then when someone gets it and asks who it's from, hint that it could be a christmas miracle. this would work best if one of the non-member or less-active persons in our family received the gift. two weeks later all my active family members would be bearing their little hearts out during testimony meeting about how this christmas miracle is uniting our entire family with god or something. that would have been a good christmas.